Last week, we sent out a survey to 70,000 guys on our mailing list, asking three simple questions about their dating lives. And the response we got was overwhelming. Hundreds of guys filled out the survey, sharing their biggest frustrations, obstacles and goals. And the answers we got were inspiring, fascinating and gave us some great information we're going to use to give you guys better advice.
Also, we were able to make an awesome word cloud out of the responses. Check it out.
This was the first question our survey asked, and the results taught us a lot about the real problems guys out there are facing.
As the responses started coming in, Derek and I read every single response. And we started to see patterns in the responses. Guys were responding over and over with the exact same problems. So we decided to organize all the responses into six categories - which we dubbed "The Six Frustrations". Each of these categories represents a frustration that thousands of guys all share.
But before I start, I just want to say one thing that I thought was awesome. Out of the hundreds of guys who replied to this survey, nobody wrote anything negative about women. And this is despite the fact that we were asking them to share their frustrations with us.
Ok, I'll admit, there were a lot of guys who responded with things like “Why do women have to be so confusing?” (see frustration #4 below). But out of 70,000 people, nobody replied with “women suck” or anything similar. That reflects the kind of men who sign up for the Love Systems mailing list - guys who are interested in self improvement, with no excuses.
In the rest of this blog post, I'm going to go over the six most common frustrations that men have with dating, and provide some insight and feedback into each one. We're also going to put together a Six Solutions email course that will address each of these frustrations in depth.
But let's get started - here area the Six Frustrations of the Single Man.
14% of guys, when asked what their biggest frustration was with women, blamed themselves and their sticking points.
These guys gave answers like (these are all real answers we got, by the way):
“I’m not frustrated with women - I’m frustrated with myself for holding myself back”.
“I play games instead of just putting myself out there”.
“I’m my own worst enemy - I always blurt out something I shouldn’t say and make the same mistakes over and over again.”
Congrats to these guys for taking responsibility for their own actions and admitting their faults. It’s only when you become aware of things like this that you can take control of your own life and fix your own problems.
But even once you've recognized the mistakes you're making, sometimes it's still hard to change your behaviour. "Old habits die hard" as they say.
These problems: where you know you're doing something wrong, but you keep doing it over and over again, we refer to as sticking points. A sticking point is when you know what you need to do, but you just can't make yourself do it - you're stuck.
The secret to eliminating sticking points is to figure out what is really making you do the things you do, and addressing the root source.
7% of our respondents wrote in that flaking was their biggest problem. These are guys who seem to have an easy enough time getting attraction and phone numbers from women. But when it comes to getting a date (or sometimes a second date) these guys somehow lose the girl.
These guys wrote in saying things like:
“I can attract girls and get numbers. But a lot of them are "too busy" to meet up with me.”
“I just can’t go from the phone number to the date, whether I meet a girl in a bar or online”.
“I can chat with women for ages online, but when it comes to meeting up, they change plans or cancel over and over”.
Flaking is something that most guys start dealing with as soon as they learn to be assertive and ask for the phone number in the first place. But, if you follow the right steps, you can cut flaking by at least 80%.
First you want to understand why women flake - sometimes it's just that she's busy, other times it's because your "phone game" was poor. Sometimes it's because you just didn't create a deep enough connection when you met. But once you know where you're making a mistake, you can start working on a solution.
Other guys were frustrated by the signals women give to men. 11% of guys gave answers like:
I’m frustrated because I feel like I don’t understand the fundamental social programming that drives women and men to behave as they do.
I have no idea when a woman is interested in me, and when she’s not.
“I often feel like women I’m interested in are playing ‘hard to get’, but I’m afraid to make a move in case I’m wrong.”
Reading the signals that women give can be difficult, and it’s a common problem that guys face right when they’re starting out.
Understanding the signals women give can be hard. First it's hard because women often do give mixed signals - sometimes a tease is a test, sometime's it's actually disinterest. It's also hard because women legitimately change their mind about you pretty rapidly, depending on the vibe you give off.
If you want to improve your skills at reading the signals women give, I suggest you start by understanding the theory of attraction - and why women sometimes give mixed signals - and then learn these subtle body language cues.
I'm going to devote a future post entirely to the different signals you get from women and how to interpret them.
18% of our respondents wrote back that their biggest frustration was having difficulty creating or keeping attraction. They described frustrations such as:
I start off strong but I keep landing in the friend zone with women I like.
I don’t know when to make a move or escalate.
I can get into good conversations, and make women laugh, but it goes nowhere.
I have good results when it comes to opening (and seem to get opened by women more than I'd expect). But taking it from a fun and flirty conversation to a make out or number never seems to happen.
Creating that initial spark with a woman is a huge challenge for a lot of guys, and equally difficult is keeping that spark alive. So it’s understandable that attraction would be a big issue for a huge number of our readers.
For advice on understanding attraction, creating attraction, and keeping attraction going, check out this incredible thread by Venture in the Attraction forums. I also have a post on "How to Impress A Girl" that goes over some principles of attraction for beginners. Here's another great post on attraction (from last week).
Remember, keeping attraction going is often as hard as creating attraction in the first place, and many guys who say they "have trouble creating attraction" are actually getting attraction, and then losing it when they don't make a move.
Now we’re down to the two most common frustrations with women. Nearly a quarter (21%) of our respondents say that the toughest problem they face is conversation. These guys wrote in with things like:
I get frustrated because I run out of things to say while trying to keep the conversation going.
I don't know how to converse with her in a way that makes her feel comfortable opening up to me.
I see guys who women just like to be around and talk to them although not necessarily to sleep with them. I'd like to be like these guys.
Keeping the conversation going is a skill that takes some time to develop, but it doesn’t have to be that hard. The first step is recognizing that you don’t have to be the most interesting guy ever to keep an interesting conversation (don’t psych yourself out). The next step is using qualification to stop making the conversation all about you, and to get her to open up.
If conversation is your problem, this post on qualification will teach you how to turn the dynamic of the conversation around, and get her opening up to you.
And the number one frustration that we heard of from our mailing list was - approaching and starting a conversation. They wrote things like:
I get frustrated because I don’t talk to women, because I don’t feel attractive enough to approach them.
I want to approach but my mind goes blank, or overthink what I’m going to say to her.
I get intimidated by beautiful women and think they don’t want to talk to anyone.
The approach is still that very first step of starting any sort of interaction with a woman, and it’s the place where a lot of guys get stuck. Approach anxiety is a problem we see every day at Love Systems, but it’s something that, with a bit of effort, every guy can get through. This post on approaching covers most of the basics, but we could probably write an entire book just on approaching.
Now that we've identified the six most common frustrations that you guys have with women, we've decided we want to help you guys solve those problems.
That's why Derek and I are creating a six part email course, called the "Six Solutions" where we're going to go over each one of these problems in detail, and show you how to conquer them one by one.
If you are already on the Love Systems Insider mailing list and submitted the survey, you don't need to do anything, but if you're new, you're going to need to fill out our simple three questions survey to get access to the Six Solutions email course. We're going to be reading over every response to this survey and using the information to provide you with custom advice that is relevant to you.