September 06, 2016

1 comment

The Deceptively Simple Guide to Understanding and Creating Attraction


When we did a survey asking 70,000 guys what their biggest frustrations in dating were, I was actually quite surprised to find that creating attraction was only the third most common frustration on the list, behind breaking the ice and keeping conversation going.

Guys who had this frustration wrote in things like:

I start off strong but I keep landing in the the friend zone with women I like.

I don’t know when to make a move.

I can get into good conversations, and make women laugh, but it goes nowhere.

I have good results when it comes to opening (and seem to get opened by women more than I'd expect). But taking it from a fun and flirty conversation to a make out or number never seems to happen.

Because this is such a major issue, I'm going to give you guys the simple explanation of attraction that I share with everyone who comes to me for advice. I've had guys tell me that this simple theory answered 90% of their confusion in dating and relationships, and gave them a framework that changed the way they relate to women for the better. 

This explanation is based off of my own personal experience as a guy, my work as a coach, and a huge amount of research in relationship and evolutionary psychology (there's a great New York Times article on some influential research here). 

Before we start though, I want to give a disclaimer: this question has stumped scientists and philosophers for centuries. Plato actually wrote a book on the subject (this is where the phrase “Platonic love” comes from).  The question of love, and how to get it, keep it, and enjoy it in a healthy way is right up there with what is the Meaning of Life as far as deep, complicated philosophical questions go.

Anyway, I’m going to try to answer this deep philosophical question in the next page and a half or so before your attention span runs out.

Principle #1 – Being vs Doing

The first thing we should establish is nobody gets attraction by doing something, but by being someone.

The things you do are only relevant so much as they show what kind of person you are - how they illustrate your character. So it’s important that you don't take the attitude of doing something to get or create attraction, instead strive to embody the qualities of an attractive man and the right thing to do will come naturally.

This of course begs the question: "What makes an attractive man?". If you ask 100 people this question, you will probably get 200 different answers. I ask this question all the time, and get answers like:

Confidence, money, intelligence, style, romance, humour, being fit, reliable, nice shoes, smells nice, someone who knows what he wants.... etc etc.

The list is quite literally endless, but they all boil down to three key elements of attraction.

  1. Women like men who have an inner power - Confidence, style, athleticism, success and even humour all boil down to an inner (or outer) power.
  2. The desire to be desired - Women respond to men who take the initiative and show desire for them. Romance, "a man who knows what he wants", and confidence all boil down to this element. Passive guys miss out.
  3. Trust - A woman needs to trust the man she is with. This is where guys who are "reliable" and honest do well.

When you put all these elements together, you get the definition of attraction we use here at Love Systems:

Attraction (in women) is the feeling of being desired, by a powerful man, who she can trust.

Write that theory down. Remember it.

Think of the last time you succeeded or failed at attraction – did you give her the feeling of being desired? Did you embody the qualities of a powerful man? Were you someone she could trust?

If you ask yourselves these questions while going through past relationship successes and failures, I think you’ll discover a strong trend. When the answer to these questions is yes, attraction was strong. And when the answer to these questions was no, attraction fell apart quickly.

Let’s get practical

So now that you have the theory down, let me show you how this can can work in an everyday situation - such as a date.

First, you want to plan the date out and take the lead. Taking the lead is crucially important because this is where you demonstrate your confidence and inner power..

This is why the best dates are often about taking your date someplace new and interesting - not only is the date exciting, but it gives you an opportunity to truly show your confidence in a real life environment. Even a date that goes badly (i.e. you get lost in a bad part of town for some reason) can create powerful attraction if you handle yourself with confidence.

On the other hand, guys who don’t take the lead, or who ask their date “where do you want to go?” fail to get attraction - because they fail to express that inner power.

Open up, and get her to open up to you. Communicating who you are and building trust are key to attraction. The New York Times has a list of 36 questions that lead to love that you might be interested in. I also have a blog post about "Qualification" which is a technique to get people to open up (and feel good about it).

If you do this right, you will be having FUN, and you will have shown some confidence by taking the lead and showing her new things, and you will have created a bit of trust and comfort by opening up to her and getting her to open up to you. So what do you do now?

You express desire.

Most guys screw this up - they either express desire too early, and come across as needy, or they don't express desire at all and play "hard to get".

Instead, wait until the right moment, when she's having fun and clearly into you, and then let her know how you feel. It doesn't need to be over the top, or overly flattering, just something simple and honest. So at the end of the date you might look her in the eyes and say:

"I really liked spending time with you today. When can I see you again?"


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Chris Shepherd
Chris Shepherd


1 Response

Osborn Okokwa-Onyerunma
Osborn Okokwa-Onyerunma

February 09, 2017

Nice piece

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