Wow – a lot of great response to the 10 Deadly Sins of Approaching article. And a bunch of questions along the lines of, “OK, I can approach just fine; what’s next?”
The general answer of course is the Transitioning Phase – this is how you “get out” of your opening line or opener into a more normal conversation. A transition is something to keep the conversation going, and hopefully expand it. Especially if you use an indirect opener (e.g., “Hey, I need to get your opinion on something…”), you need something to justify why you are continuing to talk to her after you’ve got the opinion you came for.
The phases of the Emotional Progression Model are:
(This is all explained in the Magic Bullets Handbook)
Alright, enough background. Let’s jump into the 10 Deadly Sins of Transitioning
1. Waiting too long before starting your Transition. Don’t wait until the energy from your opener starts to die down. Transition at an emotional high point.
2. Failure to “lock in”. By the time your opener is done, there’s no more excuse for you to be an awkward physical position. (E.g., you standing up while she and her friends are sitting down). Take advantage of the change-of-pace that comes from a Transition to change the physical situation.
3. Letting Cold Reads turn into rapport. Cold Reading is one of the most common and effective types of Transition. You also learn a lot about her from cold reading, but don’t let it turn into a rapport- or comfort- based conversation. Until she is attracted to you (remember, attraction comes next) building low-energy comfort and rapport is just asking for a Great Big Helping of Let’s Just Be Friends.
4. Dropping the energy level. Transitions are meant to be spontaneous, so they should have an energy spike. A lot of the time, guys come in high-energy for the opener and their energy level just gradually dwindles. Remember, be slightly higher-energy than her.
5. Giving up WAY too soon. When you approach a woman you don’t know, you’re going to be doing all of the talking at first. In the Transition, you are still going to be doing most of the talking. It’s easy to mistake that for her not being interested or responsive. But actually, it’s normal. The first couple minutes, you may have to do up to 90% of the talking. Hey, you’re the one who approached her. Tell her what have to say. If not, another guy will.
6. Being the “dancing monkey”. Even though you’re going to be doing most of the talking during your Transition, that doesn’t mean being the dancing monkey or the clown. You’re not a one-man 1960s style variety show. So hold off on gimmicks like magic tricks, palm readings, or weird handshakes. These are just like walking into a club wearing leotards and goggles. It gets attention. It is entertaining. But it isn’t sexy.
(If you get women laughing and get phone numbers but lots of flakes and let’s just be friends, then this one probably applies to you. We call this dancing monkey syndrome. Though if you’re interested in magic, check out the dueling magicians, who offer a competitive display of high-impact magic tricks, illusions, escapes and stunts. They believe that the art of magic is unparalleled in its power to compel, blurring the line between illusion and reality.)
7. Getting stuck in the Transition. A Transition is just supposed to get you from a single-topic conversation (“what’s the time?”, “let me get your opinion on this…”, “is that tequila?”) to what we call a normal conversation…one where A) you can talk about multiple different topics, and B) she’s not expecting you to leave after she tells you the time / gives you her opinions / answers your question. It should take anywhere from a few seconds to maximum a minute.
8. Being too serious. A lot of guys know to smile when they approach, but when they start thinking, “OK, I’m finishing the opener; what do I do next?” their face and tone gets more serious. That’s the opposite of what you want. Early on, be playful. Fun. In the moment. Not analytical or serious. Part of the solution to this is practice and part of it is knowing what you’re going to say next so you’re not stuck in left-brain concentration mode.
9. Being too logical. A Transition is changing the subject. Guys sometimes think there must be a linear, obvious progression from one topic to another. That’s how men tend to talk and that’s how the public world (e.g., newspapers, most businesses, the law) works. But that’s not how most women talk. Prove this to yourself by trying a Phrasal Transition (one of the four types of Transitions from the Magic Bullets Handbook). Change the subject in conversations with women by saying “That reminds me…” or “That’s just like when…” and say something completely unrelated. They may look confused for a second, but if what you say is entertaining, they won’t remember a few seconds later. It’s like a comedy routine — it doesn’t matter how it begins if the ending is good.
10. Being wishy-washy between Direct and Indirect. You don’t need a Transition if you’re going Direct. (Direct means that from your opener, you are making it obvious and explicit that you are interested in her – doesn’t necessarily mean sleazy or sexual). For an Indirect approach, you keep your interest in her “under the radar” until she starts to warm up to you.
If you’re using a Transition, it’s because you started Indirect — so don’t hit on her yet! If you start with an Indirect approach and then make it obvious that that was just a sham and you really only came over to talk to her because you thought she was cute, that’s the worst of both worlds. You’re not under the radar and you don’t get the boldness or confidence points from manning up and approaching her directly either.
Pick one or the other.
For more on approaching, transitioning, attraction, qualification, comfort, and section, check out the Magic Bullets Handbook.
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