This might be controversial, but I’m going to say it anyway: Lack of confidence is like a disease. It’s like a mental illness.
I don’t mean that it affects your brain chemistry the same was as depression or schizophrenia, or that there’s a genetic component to it, or that you need lots of expensive medication. But I DO mean that it can be as debilitating as a mental illness, and that there isn’t one simple cure.
When someone is depressed, telling them to “snap out of it” or “look on the bright side” isn’t going to help, because they can’t.
When someone lacks confidence, telling them to “be confident” or “look at what you have going for you” isn’t going to help, because they can’t.
So if you lack 100% confidence with women, or you know someone who does, read on, because we have six “confidence hacks” coming from one of the inner game masters himself, Derek Cajun.
Here’s Cajun – and we’re diving right in because the man doesn’t need an introduction (if you want one anyway, click here for Derek Cajun’s bio)
You need to be the guy that can talk to the hottest woman in a venue. That doesn't mean pick her up, failing miserably is fine, but you need to be the guy who attempts. You HAVE to be that guy. Early on I adopted this mentality, and pretty soon I became the guy who could do that. From there it was a matter of fine tuning to become successful. Having the mentality that you can do it is the hard part. Later on this can evolve into being "The guy who can ____" and the blank is usually filled in with all the stuff guys wish they had the balls to do. This is something you have to be aware of in every environment you're in, always make a conscious effort to be the guy who you WANT to be.
Wake up early, and plan your day. Be goal-driven and try to work on at least 3 long term pursuits every day. Maybe it's learning a language, maybe it's getting in shape, maybe it's writing a book. These shouldn't take too long; it's more about making a habit to work on something that will improve your life everyday. Sometimes that means only writing a couple paragraphs for your book, or watching a video in a different language, or even doing cardio for 10 mins to get your heart rate up. Push yourself, but above all, be accountable for doing it.
Learn how to survive in the wild. This one may seem strange, but I think it's a very primal instinct for us as men to have confidence in our abilities if left alone in the wild. Most of our historical existence as humans has been in environments where this skill, and this skill alone is what would define you as a man. The very word "confidence" is defined by your ability to trust yourself. If you can trust yourself in the most basic and dire of situations, then that provides a great foundation of inner confidence to build on. Google Ray Mears, Bush Tucker man, and Les Stroud for some great videos.
Master something/find a passion. If you don't already have something "mastered" then make it a priority. If you already do, then challenge yourself to master something else. Confident men are often men who have drawn on their expertise enough to believe in their abilities in other facets. Instruments, woodworking, sports, engine repair are all examples. Bonus points if it's an inherently attractive skill, but it doesn't have to be. If you're unsure make an effort to discover new things until you find something. Never pass up an opportunity to learn about something you know nothing about.
Get in shape. This one is a no-brainer, and most of you already know this, but nothing makes you feel better than actually working on becoming physically more healthy. This is one I still struggle with, and I've found that the only way to make it work is to force yourself to enjoy it. I joined a boxing club as a way to work on both my fitness and mastering something new. Repetition and making this a habit are extremely important. Three Love Systems instructors who are also professional personal trainers put together a fitness guide that is highly recommended and focuses on fitness-for-attracting-women.
Make a habit of conquering your fears. What scares you? Singing karaoke in a crowded bar? Giving a speech? Skydiving? Make an effort to put yourself in situations where you're scared and attempt to conquer them. Conquering is more of a byproduct, sometimes dealing with the fear itself is enough to make you realize that you were never scared of it in the first place. Fears are almost always based on unknowns, when we become familiar with our fears, it often kills them. Bruce Lee said: "The way to be rid of the disease is to be one with it..." and he was right. There are few things better than the feeling of conquering a fear.
To learn more from Derek Cajun, check out his upcoming training programs on the Love Systems schedule page, his book The Gentleman’s Guide to Online Dating, or his many contributions to the Interview Series.
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