September 03, 2014

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Four Things You'll Regret Saying to a Woman | Men's Fitness

 

Read the original Men's Fitness article here

1) "I Love You"

Obviously if you’ve found a great partner and you’re in a committed relationship, then you can and should tell her that you love her.

But not until she says it first. That’s generally the way things work, and it can make a woman feel uncomfortable (even if she can’t put her finger on exactly why) if you’re the one pushing the emotional pace of the relationship.

And be careful. If the first time she’s said “I love you” comes during sex or when she’s sloppy drunk, wait until you hear it under normal circumstances before you take it too seriously.

Love Systems just came out with the Breakup Survival Guide for Men (a necessity, since 87% of breakup resources are directed toward women). One of the things we found is that men who emotionally overreach like this get broken up with more and have a much harder time bouncing back. Avoid.

2) "Would you like to come home with me?"

No, there’s nothing wrong with taking a woman home after a date or having a one-night stand. The problem is that asking a woman directly takes a lot of the fun and tension out of the situation, and can make it feel perfunctory and unsexy.

Of course, a woman knows what’s really going on when the bar closes and you suggest cooking up a late-night pizza together at your place. And if that’s not what she wants, she shouldn’t have any trouble saying no to your invitation. But it’s a lot sexier and more exciting for many women to let you take the lead so that sex “just happens” instead of her having to actively push things forward.

Also, sexism is alive and well in our society, and it would be a rare woman who hasn’t internalized at least some of society’s generally negative judgment toward women enjoying or exploring their sexuality too much. Don’t put her in a position where she might feel easy or that you think she’s easy.

3) "I don't know; what would you like to do?"

When you take a woman on a date, have a plan. (Ignoring this rule is an especially devastating first date deal-breaker)

If you ask her what she wants to do, you’re asking her to lead. You might think you’re being polite or respectful, but it’s actually making her do the work. What you plan for a date reflects who you are. E.g., the man who takes his date to a book reading and a walk on the beach is projecting something very different than the guy who takes her to the hottest new restaurant and then a trendy nightclub for drinks. Different women will respond differently to those dates, but most women will prefer a man with a plan – even one that isn’t their ideal scenario – than a man without one.

Of course, you can check in with her that your date idea is something she’s in the mood for. But at least have a starting point she can say yes to.

(For the ultimate guide to dates and dating, I recommend the e-course Date! by Nick Hoss.)

4) "I know exactly how to solve this problem"

Wait a minute. In the previous example, I said not to be wishy washy. Being a problem-solver seems to be the opposite of that. So why is solving her problems something men should stay away from?

It’s not that solving problems is bad. If she asks you for advice, then by all means go ahead. But most women communicate very differently from most men. Women will often want to discuss problems or issues because they want empathy and emotional support, not necessarily help in solving them.

It’s just as frustrating to want empathy and get advice as the reverse. (Imagine calling your girlfriend for help because you’re lost and stressed and late for an important meeting and needing directions, but instead of helping solve the problem, she just empathizes with how frustrated and stressed you must be at that moment). So even if you think you have a solution to her problem, ask first if she’s looking for advice. If she is, she’ll tell you.


Nick Savoy
Nick Savoy

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