This is a “back to basics” message. If you’re an advanced guy, this will be review. If you’re not there yet, you’ll find this really useful (print it out).
Reminder #1 – Women don’t want to be invisible
This is especially true at a bar or club or a party. Some women will pretend they hate getting approached, but if you made them invisible for a week they’d be depressed because of lack of attention.
Think about it. If she didn’t want men to approach her, why did she get dressed up and go to the bar? She didn’t have to go to the local single’s bar to get a drink or to catch up with her friend. She could have done that anywhere.
IMPLICATIONS: Don’t apologize for approaching. (E.g., “I don’t want to bother you, but…). Don’t over-explain why you’re talking to her. Assume that she is out to meet people, just like you are. This relates to framing – if you act as if she will behave in a certain way (e.g., that she wants to talk to you), she’s more likely to actually behave in that way.
WARNINGS: Use your common sense. Being confident and direct is sexy; being creepy is not. If you approach and she doesn’t want to talk to you, leave politely and approach someone else. (And check out this social proof article for how to manage rejection). It’s her loss, not yours.
Reminder #2 - Take the path that is 10 times easier
Why don’t women usually approach men? There are two answers to this, and the best is “who cares?” It’s a fact that men are generally going to have to make the first move – so let’s figure out how to make the best first move possible.
(The second answer took a couple chapters of my latest book for women, called It’s Your Move, and actually explains why. Not that that knowledge will help you approach.)
So, if you’re going to have to approach her anyway, you may as well get credit with her for being confident and being the kind of man who “knows what he wants and knows how to get it.” Use the Love Systems eyes-feet reflex and start walking toward a woman you’re attracted to as soon as you see her.
If you hesitate, you will literally make yourself more nervous and make yourself seem less confident to her. When you finally do approach, it will be ten times harder than if you’d just approached right away. This is one of the reasons that approaching looks “easy” for advanced guys and Love Systems instructors.
IMPLICATIONS: It’s not an excuse to need to think of a good opening line. It doesn’t really matter (and if it matters to you, get the Routines Manual; it has hundreds of them). Go up to her and say “hi” if you have to. Tell her what you had for lunch. Whatever it is will be better than waiting.
WARNINGS: If you use opinion openers, you won’t want to walk across an empty room to approach her. Opinion openers should come out “naturally” to people who “just happen” to be standing near you. So drift into her area, then approach.
Did you think it was weird when I just said that it doesn’t matter what you say to a woman when you first approach? How could that NOT matter?
Of course, it matters a bit. And if you say something truly awful, it can matter a lot. But most of the time, she can’t hear what you say because your body language is shouting so loud.
You can’t help it. Your body language (and tonality) convey so much more information about you than whatever words you string together into an opening line.
Remember, 70-93% of your communication is non-verbal. And I’d put it on the high side of the range when it comes to first impressions.
IMPLICATIONS: If 70-93% of the impression you make is non-verbal, that’s where 70-93% of your effort should be. Working on body language and tonality isn’t always sexy or exciting, but it pays off huge. It’s also one of the Love Systems skills that has huge value in all aspects of life.
WARNINGS: When I say that it doesn’t matter what your opening line is, I’m assuming that you’re picking from a reasonable list of choices. If you say something weird or creepy, you’ll come off as someone with low social intelligence.
Reminder #4 – Open the car door…
Here’s an experiment. When things go well with a girl, ask her the next day what is was that you said when you first met her. Chances are, she won’t remember.
It’s not the first thing you say that’s important. It’s everything else. Approaching is like opening a car door. It’s a necessary action. You can’t skip that step. But there aren’t really any awesome ways to open a car door that are that much better than any other.
IMPLICATIONS: A successful opener will have you starting a conversation with her. THEN comes attraction. Don’t try to get attraction with your opener by breaking out some cheesy pick up line. Don’t be disappointed if she reacts to your opener by blinking and looking at you expectantly. That means she’s interested in whatever you have to say next.
WARNINGS: Don’t run with scissors. You could fall and hurt yourself.