Everyone has been broken up with or rejected at some point in their life. Some men shrug it off and are quickly dating someone better. Others go into a tailspin, make it worse, and do real psychological damage to themselves.
Why is this? And, more importantly, what can you do to avoid this fate?
We just finished a study on breakups and rejection. We found that there are FIVE crucial factors in how to move forward:
It’s no use trying to pretend that nothing happened, or that you’re happy when you’re not. Suppressing your feelings won’t help. Give yourself time to heal, but put a time limit on it.
How much time? That depends on what happened. If you learned how to impress a girl, went on a first date but she wasn’t into you, an hour should be enough. If you’ve been a couple dates and want to make her your girlfriend, one night sounds about right. If your fiancée calls of your wedding by text message, you’d be forgiven a little more time than that (and an extra bottle of your favorite drink).
During your healing time – only – it’s OK to feel sorry for yourself, to run the “might-have-beens” through your head, to imagine how things could be different, etc. The point is to get it out of your system. Your friends will also be a lot more willing to listen to you whine if they know there’s a deadline and it’s part of your healing process.
Know your deadline and stick to it. Then it’s time to "Kill Beatrice" and get back to real life.
Read the title carefully. I’m not saying to “get back in the saddle” and go out and date more women. Obviously, that’s a good idea, but for most people after a breakup, that is more easily said than done. The worst thing about feeling bad is that it directly attacks your motivation. You may know that you need to get back out there if you don’t want to be depressed, but if you’re down, it’s a lot harder to actually do it.
There are different degrees of demotivation. If you’re just feeling a bit demotivated, then sometimes all you need is for someone to help hold you accountable, especially if you want to learn how to be a good wingman. If you tell your friends that you’re going to go out to some (any) social event four nights a week, then you’re going to feel bound to stick to it. Or you’ll feel silly every time you see them. (This is the same principle you can use to help you quit smoking, lose weight, work out, etc. It works anywhere you need just a small push).
Or, you can combine accountability with professional advice on how to improve your game and 24/7 personalized one-on-one support from a top Love Systems instructor, by joining the Mastermind (Lifeline) program. Click the link below to learn more:
But what if your demotivation goes deeper than that? Or what if, when you do finally motivate yourself to go out, start becoming a social person, and find yourself standing around not able to talk to anyone when you do?
In that case, you’ll definitely need stronger measures. If you have a group of high-energy friends who will insist that you go out with them, take advantage of it. It’s crucial to establish good habits if you want to learn how to get good with women.
Positive momentum breeds positive momentum. Negative momentum just creates more. The longer you wait until you start climbing the mountain again, the harder it will be.
This is also a good time to consider individualized dating training, a dating workshop bootcamp (or day game workshop), or coming to the Tenth Anniversary Dating Workshop Super Conference this October in Las Vegas. The point of these classes is to give you the skills and practice so that your dating life will be handled, but a nice side benefit is that you’ll be with a highly-motivated peer group that can’t help but infect you with positive energy and instructors who are trained to deal with your situation.
Besides, once you see a guy who is no better than you using exactly what he learned in class that day on how to attract women go attract an interesting woman, won’t you want to approach?
Visualize it now. If you can see the road to recovery, you can walk it.
Hopefully you got rid of negative thoughts and feelings in step 1. But if you find yourself having a negative self-image because of your breakup, the battle isn’t over. Do you ever tell yourself things like:
“Women don’t like me”
“I’m going to be alone forever”
“I’m not good enough to get another girl like her”
If so, you’re digging the hole deeper for yourself. You must stop saying these things to yourself and get rid of excuses to get better with women. Every time you do, you’ll believe it a little bit more – and you will act more that way.
This is a proven psychological principle – if you tell yourself enough that you’re not attractive to women, for example, then you won’t be.
You can’t stop your mind from coming up with things, but you can tell your mind what is unwelcome. As soon as you hear negative self-talk, change the conversation to lose the limiting beliefs. Put an elastic band around your wrist and snap it every time your brain goes to forbidden territory, if you have to. Over time, it really works.
The people who bounce back the quickest from breakups or rejections are those who didn’t put all of their social energy into that one person. If you don’t have a great group of friends, take this as a wakeup call to rebuild your whole social life, not just your life with women. (Don’t know where to start? Try Braddock’s famous Social Circle Mastery course – now available on DVD)
Seeing her or talking to her will do you no good at all, especially if you want to learn how to break up with her. Most people don’t handle breakups well (from either side), so she’s likely to feel awkward around you anyway. She’s made her decision. She’s not going to be re-attracted to you just because she sees you again.
All that seeing her will do is to remind yourself of what you lost. And that’s not going to be helpful at all.
Depending on the situation, leave at least a couple months (longer in some cases) before even thinking of getting back in touch. Then ask yourself why you’re getting back in contact, and what you expect to happen. Be realistic.
There is a lot of great Love Systems material out there on how to get your ex back, but make sure you’re wanting her back from a position of strength and from a position of choice where you know you can date more women.
There’s a world of difference between “I couldn’t find anyone else who would date me, so I was wondering if you’d give me a second chance” and “I’ve met a lot of people and had the chance to date some pretty amazing women. But none of them made me feel like I did when we were together.”
And finally, remember, the night is blackest right before dawn.