Take a man who hasn’t had as much success with women as he wants. Show him a system to attract women that will help him become great at getting what he wants. Every man on the planet would jump at the chance to use it and practice it until he achieved mastery, right?
But many guys dabble…and then stop. I’ve seen it a million times. Some guys completely disappear, while others do a kind of yo-yo thing of going away and coming back. It might surprise you to hear, but not everyone persists and puts in a consistent long-term effort to reach their goals.
As a dating coach, I’ve seen two major reasons for guys giving up:
Human nature – people love success, but a lot of folks don’t want to put in the work. They want the outcomes without going through the process. Every day I meet people who want the big house, the expensive car, gorgeous women, but not everyone is willing to make it happen. This is no different from playing the guitar or learning a foreign language. Many start, but not everyone sticks with it long enough to master their new skills.
This reminds of me of the Edward Harriman quote: “Much work is lost for the lack of a little more”.
Unlike learning the guitar or another language or some other skill, learning how to attract women and Love Systems is much more personal and emotional. In a word, you’re dealing with your own vulnerability and ego and defenses. Look, if you miss a note on the piano or mispronounce a word in your second language, most men can handle it. Unless you’re a perfectionist, you’re really not going to beat yourself up over it or feel bad about yourself.
But with women, every mistake seems to lead to you getting negative feedback about yourself as a man. It seems like real rejection by a real person (in a moment I’ll talk about why you shouldn’t look at things this way, but for now stick with me). This can lead to fear of rejection– studies show that social rejection and physical pain activate the same brain areas.
How do you overcome these difficulties and stick with your goals? Why can some people persist while others throw in the towel?
It’s not about natural advantages. Some of the best guys in the world started at the bottom of the barrel. What they have in common is how they learned. When I started my own journey a few years ago, I sought out this information – what did successful guys do to become successful? Now that I’ve validated this information in my own life, I can share it with you:
Every man goes through highs and lows. Everyone who is good went through periods where nothing was working. You are unlikely to be an exception. Whatever difficulty you’re going through, relax because, you’re not alone. We’ve been there. But if you expect that you’ll be perfect from day 1, or that results will come every day, you’re just setting yourself up to be disappointed.
E.g., if you’ve never played basketball before, you wouldn’t expect to start nailing 3 pointers and 360º dunks after your first practice. Yet most guys have unrealistic expectations in pickup.
Instead, start from the beginning and get the basics down before you move on. Don’t worry about getting phone numbers and kissing women if you haven’t mastered how to build attraction. Learning how to get a threesome shouldn’t be on your radar screen until you are regularly able to sleep with hot women. Rushing things doesn’t just waste your time – it also sets you back and kills your motivation.
The right way to learn game is to set useful goals that are process-oriented (and under your control) instead of outcome-oriented (which isn’t). For example, going for a phone number in every approach is a good goal. Getting the phone number is a bad goal. Touching within the first couple minutes on every approach and learning how to escalate is a great goal. Getting makeouts is a bad goal.
Failure isn’t an option here. If you start to learn guitar and don’t like it, well, no one’s really going to care very much. But if you’re not meeting your goals with women, you’re dooming yourself to unhappiness and frustration. There is no substitute.
I can’t emphasize this enough. It’s very hard to get good at something if practicing is no fun. This is especially true in Love Systems, since having good energy, good body language, and sub-communications are so important. If you’re not having fun, she won’t have fun talking to you, and you’ll have even less fun. It’s a vicious circle.
But it can be a virtuous circle if you are having fun – then women want to be a part of your energy. So, find ways to make Love Systems fun for you: go to places you enjoy, with people you like. In addition to learning how to be a good wingman, play games with your wingmen to keep approaching fun. Don’t take yourself too seriously, allow yourself to be silly and make mistakes. Use silly openers just for the sake of having a good time. Fun is attractive. On the first night of bootcamp, guys often look like they’re disarming a bomb. When we get them to relax and have a good time, suddenly they start 1) doing way better and 2) enjoying it more. The two really go hand in hand…