November 24, 2013


Back to Basics: Approaching Women

STEP 1 – Move your feet

  • We call this the “eyes-feet reflex”.  See an attractive woman with your eyes, start moving your feet to walk over to her. 
  • The important note here is to start walking toward her even if you have NO IDEA what you’ll say when you get there
  • A guy who approaches right away (even if he just awkwardly says “hi”) has much better chances than a guy who works up his courage and tries to think of the “right” thing to say.  I promise you this.  If you are ever thinking about “should I go talk to her?” or “how should I start talking to her?” tell your brain to shut up, and start walking. 

STEP 2 – Why aren’t you moving your feet? (Approach Anxiety)

  • Most men have “approach anxiety” – which means that they are nervous about going up to a woman who is a stranger and starting talking to her.
  • If you’re just starting out with Love Systems, having approach anxiety is normal.  It’s also one of the first things you need to fix.
  • We don’t have space to go deep into approach anxiety here, but a couple proven tips:
      1. Have a good wingman
      2. Go to places where you have fun
      3. Give your wingman $200 and have him only give $20 back each time you do an approach
      4. Get good at Love Systems – most approach anxiety is not fear of failure but fear of success.  Approach anxiety goes away once you know you have the skills to take the situation from beginning to end when you see a woman you like.

STEP 3 – Say something.  Anything

  • Well, not really ANYTHING.  But you don’t have to have the perfect “opening line” to start talking to women.
  • Some of the examples in the Routines Manual show what top Love Systems instructors actually say to women when they approach.  You’ll see that there’s a wide range of stuff you can use to start a conversation and there will be lots that fits your personal style that you can adapt.
  • On one extreme, you can be very direct (e.g., “I saw you standing over there and you look stunning.  I had to come over and see if there’s more about you.  My name is ___.”). 
  • Or you can be very indirect and go under the radar with an opinion opener (e.g., “Hey, we’re throwing a surprise party for our friend.  Should we go with an 80s theme or jungle theme?”).
  • A bad opening line can kill your chances, but a good one won’t get you the girl by itself.  That’s why we have two more steps.

STEP 4 – It’s all about your body language

  • Depending on who you ask, somewhere between 70% and 93% of communication is non-verbal.  That’s a lot.  When it comes to dating and attraction, it could be even more.
  • Derek Cajunand Daniel Vercetti are probably the two best body language experts in the world.  They’re both on the Beyond Words Body Language and Physical Escalation Home Study Course where Cajun has a great quote and words to live by – “move like you’re moving underwater.” 
  • Slow it down.  Make eye contact.  Smile.  Keep your hands at your sides.  Speak loudly and from your chest.  Don’t fidget.  Feet shoulder-width apart.  Stand up straight.  These 8 things will take care of at least half of the issues.
  • Even the best “opening line” in the world won’t work without good body language, but good body language can save some pretty bad openers.  I met my last girlfriend by telling her how sad I was that they stopped making Twinkies.
  • Touch early, touch often.  This is hard if you don’t know what you’re doing, but it’s probably the most important thing you can do to improve your chances with a woman you just approached.
  • Start by touching her hand, shoulder, elbow, etc. – stuff that is appropriate.  You’ll make a more positive impression if there’s contact (this has been proven by a million studies), and you’ll make it more “natural” when you put your arm around her or put her on your lap later. 

STEP 5 – Transition!

  • Let’s say you approached her with some kind of opinion opener, like asking whether she thinks your friend would look good with a mustache.  Do not spend the rest of the night talking about mustaches!  Get off the first topic within a minute or two at most.
  • If you approached her with a more direct opener, like telling her that she’s cute and you’re curious to get to know her better – don’t expect her to do all the work from here!  Find out about her (but never ask two questions in a row – cold reads can be really useful here) and show her your attractive qualities.
  • Now we’re getting into the Attraction phase. From here, the Love Systems Triad Model can take it from here.
  • Overall message – you should still expect to be doing most the talking and driving the conversation forward, at least for the first few minutes.


Approaching is almost totally under your control. You should be approaching close to 100% of the women you are attracted to, and your approach should start a conversation nearly 100% of the time.  (This doesn’t mean she’ll be interested in you 100% of the time – but you should be able to get a conversation going and have a chance.) 

Approaching issues are also among the easiest to solve. So if you’re not consistently approaching and starting conversations, then it’s time to take action. Now. Nothing else matters until you can approach consistently.  Not a darn thing (okay, I’ll make an exception for social circle game or online dating, but that’s it). 


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Nick Savoy
Nick Savoy


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