Even though “Approaching” is only a small part of the Love Systems Triad Model, some guys say it’s their biggest challenge when they come to a bootcamp... and are shocked when it’s no longer a problem after a couple hours. It’s actually one of the easiest things they learn during the weekend. Derek Cajun and I share some of our approaches to anxiety in this video.
Dealing with approach anxiety isn’t just for newbies – it’s also for more experienced guys who might not be pushing their skills as far as they could.
Approach anxiety is normal. It’s the feeling our bodies give us when we take risks. It comes from the same part of the brain (the “amygdala”) that activates when you go bungee-jumping or get on a big roller coaster.
In other words, it’s a sign that you are doing something RIGHT. That you are moving beyond your comfort zone. Even the best guys in the world – top Love Systems instructors – get approach anxiety sometimes, especially on the first approach of the day.
Okay, I know... approach anxiety sure doesn’t FEEL very good when a beautiful woman is walking by. You get nervous and your brain finds a million reasons not to do whatever it thinks is “risky.”
But, it doesn’t have to be like this.
Remember when you were young, before society taught you to follow the pack, keep your head down, and play by all the rules. If you’re like most men, you probably LOOKED for risks: a higher tree to climb, a higher diving board to jump off of, crazy adventures with your buddies, etc...
You CAN get that feeling back, and make approaching FUN.
I’m going to get you started here. When I’m working with clients on a bootcamp or individualized training, they make the biggest gains when combining both the logical and emotional sides of the brain...
... So, first we’re going to hit some of the logical “anchors.” These are what you tell yourself when you’re having trouble approaching. Then I’ll give you some Love Systems winning strategies to help you INTERNALIZE these anchors so that you act on them.
This is only a small fraction of what we can do when we’re face-to-face, but it will definitely get you started.
Learning to ‘overcome’ is like ‘overcoming’ the need to eat or sleep. As a man, you are meant to challenge yourself. Living life within your comfort zone is unnatural and unhealthy – a lack of challenge or excitement in your life can literally lead to being clinically depressed.
How boring would life be if you always knew what was going to happen? To overcome , you need to EMBRACE it. Thrive on it.
No woman can reject you from your approach. Think about it – she doesn’t know you and has no idea what kind of guy you are when you approach... so, if she blows you out, she is not rejecting you. She can reject your approach, sure, but like Savoy said, “a woman can no more reject you for a bad approach than the game of basketball can reject you for a bad shot.” Welcome getting blown out as great FEEDBACK and learn from it... with practice, you will succeed.
You HAVE read Magic Bullets, right? I went from “average guy” to Love Systems bootcamp student to “advanced guy” all the way to Love Systems instructor in part because of what I learned – and kept going back to – from Magic Bullets. Seriously, stop here and check it out now
Let’s say you only see one attractive woman every day and you don’t approach her. Over 10 years, that’s 3,650 missed opportunities. How many hundreds of those have great personalities to match their looks? How many of those would click with you? Unfortunately, you will never know... because you missed them all...
... think about that - does it hurt? It should. One of Braddock’s favourite quotes: “Failure weighs ounces, regret weighs tons.”
You didn’t come to Love Systems so you could get just any girl. That would be like going to Harvard to learn spelling. You came to Love Systems to get the high-quality women who meet your high standards.
If, say, 80% of hot women don’t meet your personality standards, then you have to approach a lot of women to find the ones who are worth your valuable time and energy. Just like you’d look at a lot of jobs, houses, or cars before choosing one, you should do the same with women... and that means approaching and getting to know them.
As you begin more and more, you will quickly realize that women love to be approached – it flatters and validates their sense of femininity.
Women get approached all the time, but usually by guys who don’t know what they are doing. This is why many women have a “shield” to deter most men from approaching.
Breaking through the shield is one of the first “A-HA” moments most men have with Love Systems. By taking one of the tried-and-proven openers from the (I’d also recommend the newer ), you can see how possible this is, and then be able to use it to sculpt your own material.
I do a lot of Day Game. When I was just starting out, I might get a phone number from one out of every 10 women at best. By making a few tweaks to my approach, that’s now about 8 out of 10. But, there is no way I could do this unless I took a few knocks in the beginning to get the feedback I needed.
London-based Love Systems Instructor Keychain says he lives by what Mahatma Gandhi once said: “You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result.”
The book did us all a service when it went through data of over 100,000 approaches to determine the 8 things that most hot women are looking for in a man. They’re called “attraction switches.”
Women look at whether you can successfully approach them as a sign of what kind of man you are. Do you have Social Intelligence? Are you Confident? Are you Pre-Selected? (Those are 3 of the attraction switches.) Men who have all of those things (and the other 5 attraction switches) will not hesitate to approach.
So, if you don’t approach, what do you think this says about you to her?
Now that you know why you should approach, the next step is to make yourself do it.
This is an old classic. Approach a woman within 3 seconds of seeing her.
If you wait, approaching actually gets harder. Your brain comes up with reasons not to approach. You get more nervous. And, she’ll notice your hesitation, which makes getting her interest ten times harder.
But, if you approach right away, she’ll see you as a confident man of action.
For this to work, you need to have 2 to 3 “standard” or “default” openers – there isn’t enough time to think of something in 3 seconds and you don’t want to give your brain the excuse of “not knowing what to say.”
If you don’t have your own, there are dozens of tried-and-tested openers (and material for every stage of the stage) from the personal collections of the top in the world today. Don’t re-invent the wheel: The Routines Manual Volume 1 and The Routines Manual Volume 2
A good wingman will push you to do approaches, especially difficult ones. You can give each other feedback and you can reward each other for approaching – a popular wingman game is to give each other $200 at the beginning of the night and get $20 back for each approach.
Those aren’t the only reasons to have a wingman, of course. The interview with Savoy and The Don brought this to a new level with some of their techniques (which haven’t been seen anywhere else) like reverse winging and getting your wing to make sure she leaves with you.
The more you practice and the more familiar the environment, the less anxiety you will feel. Love Systems expert Keychain refers to this as “finding your window.”
Whether it’s a specific club where you feel comfortable, or a specific situation, it doesn’t matter. Keychain started practicing on his commute to and from work on the train. A friend of mine in New York uses his lunch break at work. Use whatever works for you.
This one is really easy. Human beings are extremely state-driven – this is why one of the things we teach at is how to be aware of and influence a woman’s state.
Your own state is equally important. I like a lot of the techniques revealed on – here are four things I like that get me “warmed up” for the club:
Listen to high-energy music: Whatever works for you – I use loud club dance music.
One Vodka Red Bull: The Red Bull gives me energy for the night and the (single) shot of vodka triggers memories of fun times with friends.
Grinning: Even if you’re faking it, smiling releases serotonin in the brain which gives you a positive mood and energy.
Visualisation: Imagine that you’re already a Love Systems expert. See yourself as the life of the party, smiling faces, laughter, women being all over you, etc. It really works.
This is a low-risk warm-up technique. You move around the club/bar talking to everyone for 30-60 seconds. You have no agenda beyond meeting everyone and saying hello. This not only gets you in a social mood, but also delivers a ton of social proof later in the night when you know everyone. Often women will re-approach you once you’ve met them.
Train your body and mind to act in the way you want by punishing bad behavior and rewarding good behavior.
Sticks/Punishments: London-based Love Systems Instructor Vercetti uses an elastic band around his wrist as a tool for punishment – whenever he fails to approach, he snaps the elastic band to associate pain with failure to approach. You should use whatever works for you – e.g., skip TV for an evening or your regular beer after work...
Carrots/Rewards: your personal reward could be as simple as a self-congratulation (I say to myself quietly “yes, yes – awesome job, Carbeau,” smile, clench my fist and really savour the moment...) or you could buy yourself a smoothie, café latte or whatever else works for you...
I recommend you set yourself specific goals attached to specific rewards/punishments. In the beginning especially, you should aim for multiple approaches to really break the camel’s back. So, for example, you could go out with the goal of doing 10 approaches before you can go home.
I keep emphasizing how important it is for you to associate approaching with positive emotions – when you think of approaching, you should get excited, not fearful...
But, you often forget how many great approaches you have done – especially if you have more blow outs than successful approaches, which is perfectly normal as you start out. You will surprise yourself - if you think hard enough – when you realize how many great approaches you have actually done.
So, one of the tricks you should employ is to keep a journal of positive experiences – don’t worry about the fact that it is kind of cheating – because when you flick back through your entries, they are guaranteed to energize you and make you want to jump straight back in field!
The Attraction Forums are a great place for this.
Approach anxiety is natural and good.
Fear through ‘living on the edge’ is intrinsically masculine and should be sought out, not avoided - ‘re-program’ yourself so that you associate approaching women with fun.
No woman can reject you based on a cold approach.
“Failure weighs ounces, regret weighs tons.”
Approach more women so you can filter for quality.
Be the attraction switches – think Status, Confidence, Pre-selection, Challenge – act like it is you until it actually becomes you.
Apply the 3-second rule.
Have 2 to 3 standard openers that you can roll out without thinking.
Get a wingman.
Find your window.
Get in state.
Set goals and reward/punish yourself for good/bad behavior.
Keep a success journal.
Carbeau is a Love Systems Instructor based in Philadelphia, USA. He travels extensively teaching guys how they can transform their lives by adopting the same straightforward techniques that he has learned with Love Systems. His full biography. Here are some of the things that previous students have had to say about Carbeau.