I was having drinks after work with a few friends, and I saw someone I was interested in at the bar, with another man. I approached them and used an opener that was suitable for a mixed-gender group, I think it was about movies. I chatted with them both for a few minutes and they told me that they were killing time before going to a concert.
I asked her how they knew each other – it turns out that they’ve been friends for a long time. I thought that this was great news - that means he won’t be competing with me for her attention. I pretended not to be interested in her and playfully accused her of hitting on me when she asked me personal questions. Once I was pretty sure she was attracted to me, I invited them both to sit with us before their show.
At our table, things went well. I made sure my energy level stayed high, and I was talking with Maria for about an hour. All that time I spent reading gossip magazines really paid off, since I was able to keep joking around and laughing Maria for almost the whole time. Right as they had to leave, I got her phone number. I called her a couple of days later, but she hasn’t called me back yet. I wonder what happened?
I stopped to have drinks with a friend on the way to a show. Some guy approached me out of nowhere, and he was pretty funny and interesting. We had a good vibe and he wasn’t creepy, so we sat with him and his friends. They were all fun and that guy Michael was really funny. He left me a message today; I don’t know if I’ll call him back but I wouldn’t mind running into him sometime.
Let’s start with what Michael did right. He’s getting closer and closer.
Michael approached. There’s no excuse for not approaching when you see someone you are interested in. Always look your best when you leave the house. And even if you don’t, approach anyway. The worst thing that can happen is you won’t get the girl. If you don’t approach, you are guaranteed not to get the girl. If you have “approach anxiety” then solve it. Magic Bullets has some tips. We often solve cases of strong approach anxiety through one-on-one training or at bootcamps. Contact us to discuss either of these options (we have a lot more OAP to get through today first).
Michael used an opener suitable for mixed groups (men and women together). This is important. The very first interview of the Interview Series, and is entitled Opening and Transitioning. You don’t need to vary your openers much, but you should a little bit depending on the situation.
He asked how the people in a mixed group knew each other. This is important, and should be part of your early “checklist” of things to do in the first couple of minutes of an interaction. There’s no excuse not to get the basics covered early – this is why our interview on The first Five Minutes, by The Don and Tenmagnet, focuses on these subjects.
Michael has done a bit of work to prepare himself for neutral conversions about subjects that interest many women, such as celebrity gossip. Despite living in Hollywood, I personally can’t bring myself to care, and episodes of Entertainment Tonight go unwatched on my TiVo, so congratulations to Michael on this.
Michael also avoided traps like cutting the interaction too early, putting his male friend in front of Maria, or antagonizing Maria’s friend. These were seen in the last two OAPs.
So what went wrong here? Four things:
He didn’t qualify. Nowhere did Maria have to earn Michael’s interest and nowhere was Maria made to feel like Michael was being selective in choosing her. A recent study of speed-dating events showed that the more selective that a man appears to be (after controlling for looks) the more attractive women find him. This is old news to us of course, and is covered in great detail in both Chapter 8 of Magic Bullets and in Sinn and Vision’s interview on Qualification. This interview is pretty special – it’s one of the examples of where we break a lot of new theoretical ground in an interview (the Phone Game interview is like this too)
He didn’t create any momentum toward a date or seeing Maria again. He didn’t mention upcoming concerts or events that he could be going to, which would have been an obvious choice for a date since Maria was clearly interested in both. He didn’t suggest anything that they could do together, either as a date or as part of a group activity. He should have been dropping ideas into the conversation to see if Maria took the bait. How to get a woman on a date is covered both in interviews on Phone Game and on Dates and Time Bridging, as well as well as the Phone Game chapter of Magic Bullets.
He didn’t build much of a connection. Being able to laugh and joke about celebrity gossip is all well and good, but it doesn’t appear that Michael and Maria really got to know each other as people. A couple of days later, when Michael called Maria, all she could likely think of him as was the guy she had a fun conversation with. She didn’t get to know anything about his identity or get any feeling that it was important that they see each other again.
He waited too long to call. In a situation like this, he should have called or texted the next day, if not that night. Again, this is covered in depth in Magic Bullets
Let’s see if Michael can do better next time.