I just got off the phone on a BIG conference call with some of the world’s other top pick up artists and dating coaches.
Something came out of that call that I wanted to share with you right away. Toward the end of the call, we got to talking about “the old days,” when we ourselves were first learning how to date and attract beautiful women.
It’s funny because most of us agreed that we did it the wrong way . We made the process way longer and harder than it needed to be.
Part of this wasn’t our fault. Resources that men take for granted today simply didn’t exist five years ago. E.g.:
Heck, The Attraction Forums didn’t even exist five years ago. Now 100,000 members ask and answer questions, trade notes, etc. Back then we were just guys emailing each other.
But those are just excuses.
The fact is, as much as we’ve learned about attracting and dating beautiful women (to the point where we can call it “dating science”), we’ve learned even more about how to TEACH and LEARN the skills.
And when we get guys who don’t agree on anything else to agree on the right way to learn dating science... that’s worth listening to. I was originally just going to post this on my blog, but this is important enough to share with everyone.
Measure skills, not results
Suffering from approach anxiety ( When you are too nervous to walk up to a woman you don’t know and start talking to her. )? – approach 10 women today.
Avoiding mixed groups (men & women)? – approach 3 mixed groups today.
Not naturally physically demonstrative or “touchy?” – touch (appropriately) every person you meet today within 30 seconds.
Want to learn to do “cold reads (Observations you can make about a woman that doesn’t necessarily require that you know anything about her – these can be incredibly useful and fun, both allowing you to learn about a woman and giving her information about you.)?” – do a cold read in at least 5 approaches.
Trouble taking things sexual? – use at least 4 different sexualization routines tonight.
And so on...
Fashion and grooming matter – a lot.
Being attractive to women isn’t something you switch on and off.
Change her mood, not her mind.
It’s not the first thing you say – it’s the second.
Make it fun!
I don’t know where people got the idea that dating and attracting beautiful women was supposed to be some painful process. It can’t be, if you want to be successful. If you’re not having fun, she’s unlikely to be having fun either. This happens through something called mirror neurons and it’s worth checking out the article in full.
Some people complain that they don’t like bars and clubs (or a particular bar or club). This one’s pretty easy. Go places you like, where you like the music and the atmosphere. This will also make you want to come back, and as you get to know people at a specific place, you have more opportunities to be “known” and have “social proof” there.
One of the reasons Love Systems Instructor Soul enjoys Day Game more than Night Game (though he’s an expert at both) is because he finds a wider variety of women in normal daytime situations – including lots of women who themselves don’t like clubs!
Or, you might be putting too much pressure on yourself, jumping suddenly between un-social and social activities, or one of a million other “state” killers. But in general – if there’s one thought I can leave you with: If it’s not fun, you’re doing something wrong.
Men usually like results. You made $50,000 last year. You fixed up your dream car. Your team won. Your investments went up 15% went up 5% only went down 25% are still, technically, worth something. You slept with this many women. Etc.
You can’t do this with women and dating.
Being results-focused will actually hurt your game.
If your goals are phone numbers, dates, same night lays, or whatever, you risk coming across as needy. You will be approaching women obviously wanting something. Women can “smell” an agenda.
Your inner game (internal outlook on yourself and your abilities) and confidence will also suffer. If your goal is to take a hot girl home tonight but the hottest girl at the party has a photo shoot at dawn the next morning, what are you going to do?
Sure, you can make excuses and exceptions, but that’s a slippery slope and will eventually make all of your goals meaningless.
Focus on what YOU can control and what YOU need to be working on. For example:
If you’ve read my book Magic Bullets, especially the chapter on fashion, then you already know this.
Unfortunately, there are way too many people out there pretending that “looks don’t matter.”
Of course they do.
But, they matter in a different sort of way to most women than to men, and not just because they’re not quite as important. It’s also because women judge looks not only on a visual level, but also for what your looks say about your personality.
And that’s mostly about fashion and grooming (mostly hair).
This is a GREAT thing about being a guy - you can go from ugly to attractive with the right changes to clothes and hair.
By “attractive” I don’t mean you can get into fashion magazines. I mean “your appearance is enough to interest beautiful women.”
Those are very different things. That’s why I don’t recommend you go shopping with women. Yes, they can make you look fashionable. But, they won’t dress you to cut through the clutter and announce to other women: “I am a man with something to offer.”
I remember the first time I heard a girl call Love Systems Instructor Cajun "hot." I nearly spat out my drink. He’s a weedy little guy. But, he was dressed in a way that conveyed a powerful identity that he was congruent with. And having sick game doesn’t hurt either.
I’m no great shakes either. No woman (except my mom, God bless her) ever said I was handsome until I changed my style.
Use your clothes and grooming to tell women what kind of person you are – relate fashion choices to your identity. Take care of your appearance (especially the details, like shoes), be in touch with yourself, dress appropriately but with a sense of purpose, or fun, etc. All of that is much more important to her (and to your “looks”) than what you look like with your shirt off.
I’ve personally trained a couple thousand men over the past 5 years. I can only remember two men who had something physical about them that would seriously get in the way of attracting beautiful women.
The odds are that, whatever your physical imperfections, there are tons of guys with less going for them than you have who are doing just fine.
This can be fixed in a day. So do it.
I’ve seen lots of guys be one kind of person for 90% of the time and then attempt to be a pick up wizard the other 10%. It doesn’t work.
To be a positive, outgoing, confident, relaxed, and interesting person when you meet women, your best bet is to focus on being that person all the time.
Trying to turn it on and off risks women seeing you as “acting” or “playing a role.” You won’t feel comfortable or natural, and that will show.
This is why Love Systems is so careful to separate our techniques. There’s the stuff that will work for everyone – that goes into Magic Bullets and our other great products. And then there’s the stuff that has to be calibrated to you and your own personality and identity. That’s what bootcamps and one-on-ones are for.
This is a BIG reason why the “guru” approach simply does not work and why you’re part of the Love Systems Community, not Savoy’s Community.
And why over 20 of the world s best dating coaches and pick up artists, most of whom could easily be the “headline star,” decided to hold themselves to a higher standard and make something special.
So, if what you think you need to do to attract and date women is SO different from your “natural” personality that you have to turn it “on” and “off” THEN YOU ARE DOING THE WRONG THING.
In other words, make dating and seduction techniques work for you. Don’t try to become a different person to fit the techniques.
Women are generally not logical, at least as most men understand the term. This goes double in their social lives, and even more so when it comes to men and dating.
If you expect her to think and act like you, you’re just going to be frustrated and disappointed (and miss out on the unique feminine aspects of her personality).
I can’t think of how many nights I went home alone in the early days, having failed to convince a woman who was attracted to me that her friends would get home fine / she’d be just fine the next day / a 45 minute drive home isn’t that bad, really / and so on.
It never worked. What does work is amping her sense of fun, adventure, attraction, etc. – making her emotionally want to come (ahem) instead of logically.
It’s the same principle as when guys ask “I love this routine and that routine, but how do I get from one to the other?”
It’s a logical question - and therefore doesn’t matter.
If the emotions are good, the logical side either doesn’t hit her radar screen or is rationalized away. If she’s enjoying the conversation, she doesn’t care why you switched topics.
This also explains how a woman can spend hours over dinner explaining to some guy that she really likes men who are nice, who take things slow, who bring her flowers, etc... and then slip her phone number to a man who makes her feel (not think) attraction.
So many guys are worked up about what to say when they approach a woman, that it feels almost cruel to reveal this, but... what you say NEXT is much more important.
Sure, you can blow yourself out by approaching a girl and saying the wrong thing. “Can I buy you a drink?” and “It’s sure loud in here” count as “wrong things.”
But, regardless of how clever, direct, spontaneous, etc., the first thing you say is, after her response she’ll be looking at you expectantly wondering what you’re going to say next .
If you’ve been around for a while, you’ll recognize this issue – early on we had great openers and great attraction material, but no great way to transition between the two.
That’s why we created the Transitioning phase, first revealed in Magic Bullets.
This applies equally whether you “go direct” or “go indirect,” or even waltz up to a woman and say something nonsensical (or even borderline offensive).
Of course, the first thing you say can blow you out. That’s why I recommend at least looking at the proven openers from the first volume of the Routines Manual (they’re in the free chapters).
But more likely, if you’re getting blown out on the opener, it’s a problem with body language and/or tonality. This is really hard to fix by yourself; get someone who knows what he’s doing to watch your game and give you honest feedback.
There’s an old cliche that no one on his deathbed ever wishes he had spent more of his life in the office.
Well - no one ever wishes he’d waited longer before getting good at Love Systems.
No one ever wishes he could have had just another few months, or years, of not being able to get the girls he wanted.
Yes, it can seem overwhelming. And while it’s easy to find excuses, you CAN make a priority for what’s important to you. No matter how long, every successful journey always begins the same way - with a single step.
You have the power to take that step TODAY.
If you need help getting started, re-use the Official Love Systems 2009 New Year's Resolutions. Just call them “anytime resolutions” and off you go.