October 25, 2009


How to Text A GIrl

I’ve been doing some articles and podcasts for a big technology website for a while, and for their latest update, they asked for an article on text message game.  I decided to write this one with Braddock, one of our top instructors and an expert on text messages (among other subjects).  We’re pretty happy with it and wanted to share it with the Love Systems insiders.

    Why don’t some phone numbers lead to dates?

    Let’s say you see a very attractive woman at a restaurant waiting for her friends.  Using our techniques, you approach her, attract her, and then get her phone number so you can “go out sometime.”  At that moment, she genuinely would “go out” with you “sometime”...

    ... but it doesn’t always turn out that way.

    Going out “sometime” is different from going out Thursday night (which is why, as we’ve discussed in Magic Bullets and in our interview on phone game, this is a bad way to get a woman’s phone number).  To see her “sometime” all you have to do is be more interesting than doing nothing.  That’s a pretty low standard.  She can agree to that.  And, if she has nothing else to do, she might actually see you.  However, most desirable women rarely have “nothing else to do.”  For her to go on a date, you need to be more interesting than anything else she could be doing, like friends, hobbies, work, or relaxing at home.  Or any other man she met that night - if you noticed her, other men did too.  She likes all of the attention and flirting, but she doesn’t have time to go on 9 dates this week.

    Even if she did, many desirable women would still hesitate to answer your call, even if she was attracted to you when you first met. There are many possible reasons for this – some will apply to some women and some situations more than others:

    • Safety concerns.  Especially if she doesn’t know you that well or you don’t know people in common.

    • Fear of social awkwardness.  If she doesn’t know you that well, she may wonder if the two of you will really “click.”  Even if she has no reason to think that you wouldn’t, not being sure can be enough for some women to avoid a date that might be awkward or uncomfortable.  

    • Analysis.  Why are you asking her out if you didn’t meet for very long?  Are you desperate?  Are you a player?

    • Timing.  You don’t know what mood she’ll be in when you call or what she’ll be doing.  After meeting you just one time, her commitment to seeing you again can be pretty fragile, and if you don’t get a hold of each other soon, memories and emotions dissipate.  You lose value and emotional momentum (both of these concepts are explained in Magic Bullets but should be understandable in context) with every unreturned voicemail.

    Naturally, the best way to deal with this is to make as strong an impression as possible in your first meeting.  Most of what we teach on our Love Systems bootcamps revolves around this, in order to lead to a more intimate situation the same day or to a date that won’t fall through (depending on the situation and your preferences).  But sometimes you can’t do this – like in the above example when her friends are about to arrive and take her to dinner.  So that’s why we created the “bridging” technique – to get from a situation where a woman might have a low commitment to meeting up again to where the two of you are on a date.

    The lower her commitment, the more important these bridging techniques.  If instead of meeting this woman at a restaurant you’d been introduced to her by a mutual friend and spent a few sober hours really getting to know each other, asking each other every question under the sun, spending time alone, kissing, and making plans to see each other, she would likely be highly-committed to seeing you again.  In such situations, you can usually just go ahead and call.  However, we will often still use bridging techniques because A) sometimes we might err and think a woman is more committed or less flaky than she turns out to be and B) they won’t hurt.

    Some of these techniques may seem like overkill.  Often they are unnecessary, since with good game, you can get most women to answer the phone and make plans.  However, they are important for a couple of reasons.  If you meet someone you really want, it can be worth doing the work to increase your odds from “likely” to “near certain.”  Second, many of us got involved in dating science because we wanted to date women who would normally be “out of our league.”  None of us are rich, or supermodels.  Almost all of our instructors are former bootcamp students.  So, what might be overkill when meeting the type of woman who might be attracted to you anyway can be crucially important when meeting a stunning, intelligent, fun, and sexy woman who attracts powerful and successful men wherever she goes.

    Text message bridges

    Without further ado, let’s get into the meat of the system.  Text message bridging has five major components:

    • Re-initiate mutual contact

    • Increase the frequency and intensity of communication

    • Maintain or build attraction

    • Maintain or build comfort

    • The other side of the bridge

    After you meet a woman, use a text message to re-initiate contact instead of a phone call.  Texts don’t require much commitment.  People sometimes don’t answer their phones or listen to their voicemails, but everyone reads their text messages.  You don’t have to worry about her mood or her schedule when you text; if she’s not free, she’ll read it when she is.  And it takes far less commitment on her part to return a text message than it does to answer the phone or return a call.  

    Send your first message within 24 hours of meeting her, 48 hours at the most.  This ensures that she remembers as much as possible from your first meeting and that the good emotions she feels toward you don’t dissipate.  This is especially important with younger women with a more intense social schedule who meet a lot of people.

    Your first text is crucial.  She has to respond and it has to point the two of you in the right direction.  The best way to do this is to use callback humor. Callback humor involves recalling topics, ideas, generalities, or social or geographic stereotypes relating to your original conversation that you can twist into a joke.  Advanced men will actually deliberately “seed” the initial conversation with opportunities for callback humor.

    For example, Braddock recently met Katie, a banker.  During the initial meeting he teased her about her supposedly evil corporate ways.  So his first text drew on this:  

    Another night, Braddock met Julie.  Among other things, they talked about relationships and pet peeves.  They agreed that they both hate clinginess and the words “cuddle” and “snuggle.”  So Braddock followed up with:  

    If you’re stuck, then A) plan to introduce subjects for callback humor next time and B) for now, send something simple like “Nice to meet you [name].  Have a good night.  –[Your name].”   


    Always sign your name on the first text.  It avoids the “who is this?” text message response, which costs emotional momentum.  (Of course, Love Systems’ insider readers should know by now to program your name and number into her phone when you get hers.  If you don’t, stop now and get Magic Bullets or the interview on phone game.)

    Take things one step at a time.  Don’t try to get her to meet up in the first text message.  Don’t try to build comfort, or build attraction.  These all come later in the conversation.  Right now it’s just about getting on the map.  Message her and get her to reply.  Now communication has been established and you can go from there.

    After the first exchange of text messages, your goal is to build her commitment level to meeting up with you again by increasing the frequency and intensity of your messaging.  Keep the conversation moving forward by making statements instead of asking questions as much as possible.  Questions put her on the spot and repeated questions risk putting her in defensive “interview mode” which isn’t exciting or attractive.  Keep any questions light and simple so that if she didn’t answer, it’s not like she’s blowing you off, and don’t ask too many boring yes or no questions.  Going through Braddock’s sent items folder on his phone, we can see some examples of good early text messages:

    Stay away from things that can end a conversation or lose her attraction for you. Usually this will happen if you do something that assumes a higher commitment level than she actually has.  For example:

    When you read sample text messages in this article, some of them might seem silly. Much of dating science is counter-intuitive, because most of what people have been taught about social dynamics is wrong.  Human attraction does not work the way it does in TV or movies.  Even so-called experts are not in bars, clubs, restaurants, parks, coffee shops, and lounges interacting with the most beautiful women there, day after day, and actually practicing what they preach.  We use what works, no matter how unusual it seems on paper, so stay open-minded and let your only judge be how well these techniques work in the real world.

    Presumably, she was attracted to you when you met, but this dissipates over time.  You can’t build a ton of attraction in text messages but you can build some, and you can use texts to bring her attraction levels back up to the level where you first met and you can maintain it there.  In Magic Bullets we identify and explain the eight most universal “attraction switches” – things that most women will be attracted to (Health, Social Intuition, Humor, Status, Wealth, Pre-selection, Confidence, and Challenging).  But that’s a general guide, not a specific plan for an individual woman, so use your knowledge of her and her personality to calibrate to her.

    Attraction is built emotionally, not logically.  Through text messaging, it’s best done with light-hearted messages that assume a level of familiarity, contain wit or humor, and are flirty without making her uncomfortable.  Some good elements to include are:

    We can’t cover all of these in detail in this article (and it’s not an exhaustive list anyway), but let’s go through a couple of examples.  Role play is a powerful technique.  When Braddock met Claire, he found out that she was from San Diego.  Among other things, they talked about the movie Anchorman.  So even a silly text message like “ I’m Ron Burgundy, I’m kind of a big deal” made her laugh and boosted her attraction.

    It’s not just one-liners either.  Sometimes the attraction or humor comes from the back-and-forth.  Returning to example of Katie the Banker, we can see this attraction-building conversation:

    Braddock:Are you stealing pennies from the elderly or telling Tiny Tim’s dad that he has to work an extra shift?  You know this could be Tim’s last Christmas...”  

    Katie: “Who is tiny Tim?”

    Braddock: “Wow... missed the scrooge reference?!?  Minus 3 cool points...”

    Katie:  “Ohhhhh... wait!!!  Now I remember the Christmas movie.  Not fair, Tiny Tim threw me off.”

    Braddock: “They let retards play with people’s money!?!?  Hmmm... What bank do you work at again?  Ok, back to work.  Talk to you later brat. : ) [or suitable nickname... this one worked here because she was young and already acknowledged she can be a bit of a brat sometimes]

    You still want to be unpredictable and challenging enough to keep her interested.  Don’t always send long replies, don’t always reply quickly, and don’t always be funny.  Varying how and when you reply helps build value and scarcity.  It will make her feel like she has to earn you.  But be careful with this one, and don’t ruin a good situation by playing too many games.  You can’t technically see her face, body language, or hear her voice tonality to truly know how she is reacting to this.   

    Don’t try to impress her through text messages.  Trying to thread a bunch of information that you assume will make her like you more often has the opposite effect. 

    In addition to maintaining and building attraction, you need to maintain and build comfort.  This is actually easier, since building comfort is as much about what you don’t do as what you do.  In general, just act like a positive, non-threatening environment in her life.  As long as your conversation is going well, time and communication will build and maintain comfort for you.

    Light, fun text messages that add to her day without making her feel pressured create comfort.  Here are a couple of examples – there’s nothing special about them in themselves; just get a sense of the general pattern:

    Obviously, you’re not going to get very far just by sending low-commitment texts back and forth.  We’re trying to get her on a date.  With experience and intuition, you’ll start to see patterns and know when the moment is ripe.  In the meantime, you can test her commitment level without too much risk by using a technique we call “baiting.”  The bait is usually a non-specific or low-pressure text about the two of you meeting up.  It’s like touching a woman’s arm in conversation.  If she is interested, she’ll respond.  If not, you haven’t lost any ground and can keep working from where you are.  

    Here are some examples of non-specific invitations:  The [random content] means that you have something – anything – in that slot so the whole text isn’t the invitation.  Any of the examples of good text messages that we’ve already seen would make good [random content] here and the non-specific invitation can be tacked onto the end:

    If her commitment is lower than usual and you’re not improving things very quickly in text, you can start baiting with lower-intensity plans.  The classic formula is “you guys should meet us out.”  She doesn’t have to be alone or invest a lot to make these kinds of plans happen, and they’re more likely to actually take place especially with a woman with a very busy social schedule and lots of male attention.  Remember, we’re not trying to make a woman fall in love over text message – real gains happen in person.  The object is to get her out so we have a chance to connect with her.  And if she doesn’t end up coming out, you don’t really lose any ground with her – you just invited her and her friends to something you were (in theory) doing anyway and for all she knows you invited lots of friends.  Here are some more examples:

    You can still use [random content] to lead into these, but it’s not necessary.  Baits should never be overly specific or imply a rejection if she doesn’t say yes or come out. These would be some bad examples:   

    Damage Control

    Some situations are harder than others and sometimes you will feel like you’re not getting anywhere.  Some men who feel a situation flipping through their fingers will make the fatal mistake of trying to reel her back by texting more and/or longer texts.  Do not ever text from the mindset of: “I need to correct my mistake.”  Think back to a time when a woman chased you when you weren’t giving her any encouragement and how you lost attraction for her.  Once things start going downhill, it’s really hard to turn them around.  Even “good” texts at this point just come across as try-hard or supplicative.

    In general, if it’s not working, stop the bleeding.  Stop sending her messages.  If it was a minor mistake, than just stop texting her for a day or two and give her time to forget about it.  Then send her something light in a few days and pretend like it never happened.  Never text her asking if you messed up, or apologize assuming you did something wrong if you didn’t, or try too hard to be overly funny or say “just kidding” incessantly.  If it was a major mistake, wait longer before re-initiating.

    Some women just don’t like texting.  In such situations, don’t force the issue; just call her.

    Further Context

    This (very brief and simplified) summary hopefully gave you some idea on how more phone numbers can be turned into dates and a taste of how dating science can work.  We wanted to close by listing a few good resources for further reading:

    And of course feel free to send us questions or comments.  We can be reached at Savoy at LoveSystems.com and Braddock at LoveSystems.com. 

    1. Re-initiate mutual contact

      • “Katie the banker!  Don’t stay out too late, you have to be up early to foreclose on that orphanage of blind kids, you’ll need to be fresh!!    : )   -Braddock”

      • “Nice meeting you Julie.  Let’s get together for a “snuggle” session ASAP!  -Braddock”

    2. Increase frequency and intensity

      • “How did your project turn out?  Did they give you a raise or at least give you a small army of interns to boss around?”

      • “Just saw the news.  Chi town - 20!  Let me guess, beach volleyball today?”

      • “Did you know a blue whale’s tongue weighs as much as an elephant!?  That’s ridiculous...  Gotta love animal planet during the lunch break.”   

      • Rushing to make plans:  “ I’m so glad we met! I’ve never met a girl like you.”  Or even, “I hope your trip to Chicago was great!!!  I want to hear all about it.  I would love to see you when you get home.  Do you have plans Friday when you get home?

    3. Building Attraction

      • Role plays

      • Random childish jokes

      • Light sexual teasing or misinterpretation

      • Funny or teasing pet names

      • Invoking commonalities you found when you met (this also builds comfort, see below)

    4. Building Comfort

      • Trying to make plans with her too early.  This might make her feel pressured and on the spot.

      • Being too predictable.  This affects attraction as well.  If you always respond to her messages right away and are clearly trying too hard, this might make her uncomfortable.  Generally, a woman will be more comfortable if you seem to be at least a little bit of a challenge.

      • Responding negatively when she shows low commitment.  Some women may be interested but still don’t always reply or will still send short responses.  If you become angry or needy, that kills comfort.  Don’t react to low commitment behavior by apologizing for making jokes and/or asking what you did wrong.  A woman wants a man who is centered and not dependent on her approval or putting her on a pedestal, especially early on.  Always stay positive and unaffected.   

      • Implying that she is much more committed than she actually is.  Assuming some familiarity is great, but avoid early texts that are overly sweet, or overly nice.  Be real, and don’t try to trade kindness for her approval or affection.  Stay away from a text like: “ I just walked past the most beautiful rose garden.  It reminded me of you.  You had a rose pattern on your skirt last Saturday right?  Hope you are having a wonderful day .”   Most women would think this is creepy and that the man is reaching too hard to try to find commonalities.  Even “ did you get home safe?” won’t help you unless it’s in a context in which you would ask that of any close friend.  

      • “Next coworker who feels it necessary to smugly inform me, (unsolicited, I might add) that their 3 rd grader made the honor role is getting a body slam, followed by the people’s elbow!  How’s your day?”

      • “What’s up crazy? [or suitable nickname]  Just saw a guy walking an English bulldog like you said you wanted.  That poor thing was hideous.  What are you thinking?!”  [obviously this was to someone who said she wanted an English bulldog]

    5. The other side of the bridge

      • [Random content], ” let’s get together next week...”

      • [Random content], ” if we don’t hang out soon then I’m going to start cheating on you.”

      • [Random content], ” tell your interns to pencil me in for next week or I’m putting “single” back up on facebook.”

      • We are going to be at X bar, you and your friends should stop by.”

      • “Sara, we are going to be at X bar Friday night.  Your mission if you choose to accept it is to show up between the hours of 11pm and 2am.  This message will self destruct in 30 sec!!!  Hope to see you there...”

      • “Sara!  X bar Friday night!  Be there or we are breaking up and I’m not taking you back this time... I’m signing the divorce papers and fighting for full custody.”

      • “What are you doing later?”

      • “Hey Sara.  How are you?  I’m going to X bar Saturday with some friends.  Would you like to come?  It’s going to be fun.”

      • Magic Bullets - our flagship book that gives a full overview of our system.  Written by Nick Savoy.

      • The Love Systems Routines Manual - hundreds of specific stories, games, openers, and things to say or do in virtually any situation, with an analysis of each.  These are word-for-word the things we actually use when meeting women.

      • The Love Systems website - take a look around to see bios of our instructors, descriptions of our training programs, our free publications library, instructors’ blogs, and so on.

    Related Posts

    Bill Quaintance
    Bill Quaintance


    Leave a comment

    Comments will be approved before showing up.