October 25, 2009


Building Comfort with a Woman

Lovesystems instructors explain what to do after you approach and help build a connection with a woman. Here is a quick review of where comfort fits into the model:

The comfort phase begins at the point where you and a woman realize that you are attracted to each other. This occurs when you have completed the attraction phase and then the qualification phase.

It ends (and becomes the seduction phase) at the point where a woman is comfortable being in a sexual situation with you. A sexual situation is when you and a woman are engaged in some form of sexual activity (touching that goes beyond just kissing) in a place where sex could reasonably happen. Kissing in your bedroom is still comfort. Feeling each other up on the dance floor is still comfort. Clothes coming off in your living room is seduction.

There are common mistakes that happen in the comfort phase and they will be addressed here.

One of the common mistakes is confusing attraction and comfort. If a woman asks "What do you do?" do you give her a genuine answer that reflects your identity, draws her into your world, and encourages her to share herself with you? Or, do you tease her a little bit, and tell her you're a spy or that you work at Wal-Mart? The latter choice can be funny and shows that you can be playful and are not seeking her approval. It's fine for the attraction phase. It doesn't work in the comfort phase. Once you're in comfort, it's time to make a genuine connection with her. And that includes giving her insights into who you are and making her want to do the same.

High-energy material full of DHVs (demonstrations of higher value) is generally less valuable in comfort. So are attempts to get her interested in you by making her think that you're not interested in her. So is excessive teasing.

Storytelling also changes dramatically between the two phases. In attraction you want to demonstrate attractive qualities of yourself in your stories, whereas in the comfort phase your stories should help you build a connection with a woman and let her to get to know you better.

Another common mistake is the reverse of the first common mistake, not sustaining attraction or qualification levels. I think it was Badboy, of Badboy Lifestyles, who first explained the concept of sustaining attraction levels. He compared building initial attraction (what we would call the attraction phase) to pouring water into a glass. If you leave the glass alone afterward, some of the water evaporates, or the attraction starts to diminish. It has to. You're not doing all of the attraction-based "gamey" techniques that you were before. If you are, you're probably making the first mistake as discussed earlier.

So, occasionally, you need to add a bit more water to that glass. Once in a while, do something to make her a bit jealous, or show that you're a challenge, or remind her about your good qualities. The hint here is "once in a while." Attraction material should come at about one-twentieth of the pace that it does in the attraction phase.

Qualification works in the same way. In the qualification phase, you build up her qualification level - which means that you make her feel that she has worked to win your attraction and that this attraction is based on something unique and special about her. However, if you then stop qualifying her completely, what you did in the qualification phase will slowly lose its impact and she will lose some of the emotions she had during that phase. This means that occasionally you need to top up her qualification levels and re-qualify her. Do this with occasional small hoops that she can jump through, and remember to reward and compliment her for doing so.

The third mistake is not showing consistent, believable, and genuine interest. What we teach at Love Systems is fast. It works very quickly on women. We explicitly stay away from "dating and waiting" - which is what most other men are doing.

As a February 2005 article in Elle Magazine states: "Desmond Morris, the British zoologist and sexuality expert, admits that the [Love Systems] method is a shrewd compression of the phases of love. "One of the great mistakes men make is not playing all the stages of courtship," he says. "It has to be done stage by stage if it's going to work."

The key word here is "compression." You can use what we teach to create emotions in a woman that she normally only feels when she's known a man for several months, even if it's only been several days. But for this to happen, you have to be part of things too.

For example, even if you did everything right when you first meet a woman, and you arrange to see her again, but something comes up and you end up only talking on the phone once a week, you will lose emotional momentum. She won't continue to feel that she is experiencing a whirlwind courtship when the interest from your side is so casual. The feeling of a "whirlwind courtship" was a prime motivator for the development of comfort.

A lot of guys are too serious. A courtship is supposed to be fun and never underestimate the value of "fun" (or "excitement") for women. If it's not fun, her positive emotions won't be engaged, and she won't associate you with good emotions in her mind.

While you may be screening a woman as a potential girlfriend, this isn't a job interview.

Don't take everything she does too seriously (including the occasional change of plans). Don't make your dates too intense or too serious. Smile. Relax. Most women are enjoying the journey, not obsessing about the destination. You should be too.

Remember also one of the best pieces of advice I ever got about relating to women in a dating context:

"Change her mood, not her mind."

Did you know that calling a woman can be a great way to build comfort? It will often happen that you are not able to meet a woman and begin a sexual relationship with her in that same meeting. [It will never happen if you don't try to push the interaction forward, so take this as another reminder to take risks instead of always playing it safe.] Most of the time, further meetings will have to be arranged by telephone.

Phone game is hard, so here is a tip. When you're on the phone, use the fact that she can't see you to your advantage. Record your calls, so you can listen to them after and learn from them. Make a couple of notes for yourself before an important call. The fact that she can't see you makes phone game one area of dating science where it is easy to improve.

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Nick Savoy
Nick Savoy


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