The previous Love Systems article caused some controversy and a flurry of follow-up questions about dates, and I’ll get to the most common issues here. If I don’t get to your specific issue, I’m sorry – I can’t cover everything in these articles – I make these newsletters really long and content-filled, despite regular (and well-meaning) emails from people who know internet marketing advising me to make them shorter, give away less content, and talk more about why people need our products. I try to stay true to our identity.
I only have about 2,000 words, but if you want more details, re-read Chapter 17 (Dates) of my book Magic Bullets. Or, if you want the super-thorough treatment, more advanced stuff, and an hour of audio instead of a chapter, then head over to our interview series and grab Vol. 4 on Dates for instant download.
Okay, so back to the questions from last week’s article. The biggest issues all seemed to add up to: “why did you say it’s important that dates start at your place?” with a bunch of permutations and what-ifs. So let’s try to cover as many of these as I can... in 2,000 words.
The goal of your date is for you to sleep with her. It doesn’t mean that your date will be a failure if you don’t, but no matter what you want from her, whether it’s a one night stand or a long-term relationship, you need to sleep with her first. So, let’s at least give you the best chances of making this happen.
Remember in Chapter 10 (Seduction) of Magic Bullets where I talked about state breaks? And how a woman can want to sleep with you, can be emotionally and physically ready to sleep with you, but won’t want to do anything that makes this explicit? A woman’s thought process can often go something like this:
“I like this guy... he’s fun... he’s sexy... I like when he touches me... mmm... Okay, we’re going back to our cars now... he’s inviting me over... WAIT A MINUTE, THIS IS OUR FIRST DATE I BARELY KNOW THIS GUY I HAVE TO WORK IN THE MORNING WHAT IF IT’S REALLY WEIRD OH MY GOD I DON’T WANT TO WAKE UP AND FEEL LIKE A SLUT I REALLY LIKE HIM I CAN’T SLEEP WITH HIM NOW OR HE’LL NEVER CALL ME AGAIN AND I’LL JUST BE ONE OF THOSE GIRLS WHAT AM I DOING?!”
That, my friends, is an exaggerated picture of what can happen when you introduce a state break. Before I put this woman’s thoughts in all capital letters she was thinking to herself how much fun she was having and how much she likes this guy. If they’d been alone in his house, somewhere comfortable, with good music and the right lighting, things could progress physically and sex could “just happen” and it would be all good. But, as soon as you introduce a state break, where a woman has to logically confront the reality that she has a decision to make and logically decide whether to have sex with a new guy for the first time, your chances of success drop. (With some women it won’t matter; with others it will be the kiss of death.)
So, back to the question. Let’s say your date is going to a comedy club, which is a great first date by the way. Now if you and her drive there separately and meet there, you’ll have this moment when the show ends. It’s probably late and it’s probably a weeknight (first dates are often on weeknights). So there are all sorts of logical reasons for her not to come home with you. And coming home with you means, at the least, following your car, late at night, to your house that she’s never been to before, maybe in an area she doesn’t know, maybe in the opposite direction of her place, maybe somewhere she isn’t sure how to get home from, maybe she doesn’t feel safe in, etc.
Contrast this to her coming to your place and you leaving together from there. She’s already seen where you live for a minute, so she’ll know it’s not dangerous or creepy or scary. And when the show is over, you’re in one car so wherever you go next (for a drink, or a bite, back home, etc.) you’re going together. At the end of the night, you have to go back to your place. You don’t even need to talk about it; it’s obvious and assumed. After all, her car is there. Now you can invite her in “just for a few minutes” (because YOU have a busy day tomorrow or some other reason YOU set) and you’ve avoided that state break. There will be other potential state breaks when you get inside... getting her to the bedroom, putting a condom on, etc. (I go through a whole bunch of these in the Seduction chapter of Magic Bullets), but at least you’ve avoided this one.
Of course, there’s a third option. You can pick her up where she lives. This can be okay for navigating the “go home together” state break. You can often make an excuse why you need to “swing by” your place or you can try to seduce her at her place. It’s not as good as meeting where you live, but it’s better than meeting out somewhere.
Women, especially young beautiful women, are often “fashionably” late. This can throw a lot of men off, unless you have strong “inner game.” Most men aren’t able to sit at a coffee shop for forty minutes waiting for a woman and then when she walks in instantly adopt a believable attitude that you hadn’t really noticed because you were busy doing something else interesting. She’ll know you sat there for forty minutes waiting for her, and this may imply to her that her value must be higher than yours.
(As you know from Chapter 7 (Attraction) of Magic Bullets, value is the key measure of attraction. When your value is equal or higher to hers, she will usually be attracted to you. If hers rises or yours falls, she can lose her attraction to you. Value is explored at a very deep and advanced level in Future and Tenmagnet’s interview on the subject.)
It’s not just value that’s the problem. If you’ve been waiting for someone for forty minutes before she shows up, are you really going to be the same happy, alpha, socially dominant, non-reactive, curious-about-her-but-still-evaluating person toward her that you were when you showed up for the date? Maybe, maybe not. I’ve been in this field a long time, and I don’t see many people who have this sort of inner game.
On the other hand, with many young beautiful women, it’s not like you have a choice on the first date. Sure, you can leave after waiting 15 minutes, and that may make you feel very “alpha” but you’ll also lose some women this way. There are things you can do when you make the date to minimize the chances of this happening, but... why? You already know the solution. Have her meet you where you are. If you’re at home, you are genuinely not waiting for her.
Side note: When you’re waiting for a woman to come over, do something you enjoy that puts you in a good, outgoing, happy, confident emotional state while you wait for her. (This is called “getting in state” or “being in state.”) Being on your computer or watching TV is just about the worst thing you could do while waiting. Listen to music, talk on the phone, or do something you love that makes you happy.
And heck, your time is valuable isn’t it? It should be, even outside of dating. I even have some habitually-late male friends who I won’t ever meet up with unless we’re meeting at my place or somewhere where it doesn’t matter if they are late.
Once you’ve slept with her a couple of times and she’s emotionally invested in you is the time to set expectations around being late when you meet up somewhere. Not before.
I’ve written a lot elsewhere about female psychology and female sexual decision-making (and I got Love Systems instructor Soul to join me in discussing Female Psychology for the Interview Series). One of the things that a lot of guys take away is the understanding of what a woman means when she thinks of being “ready” for sex.
There’s a ton that goes into this, but one key element is that women want sex as much as men but they don’t want to make a mistake or feel like a fool. Part of the reason why women like to wait before having sex is so that there is time for her to interact with you and get to know you better to see if you are really what she thought you were when she became attracted to you. Of course, this is only part of the reason... enjoying the anticipation, not wanting to feel “easy,” needing to feel comfortable herself, and social convention are important considerations as well. But let’s focus on the consistency angle for now.
When she comes to your place before you go out, she gets to know more about you. Make sure your place supports your identity. Leave physical “open hooks” for her to see. For example, if you paint as a hobby, leave paints and an easel where she can see them. She’ll ask about it later. If your identity is a student, make your place look like you’re a student who is going somewhere. If you’re a successful professional, your home should reflect that.
Don’t spend more than a couple of minutes at your place before you go out. You don’t want her to feel that you met up at your place so you could skip the date and sleep with her. That’s why when I am going on a first date, I will tell a woman to park at my place “and then we’ll leave from there together” so she knows we’re going out. Also, if your place is interesting to her but she hasn’t satisfied all of her curiosity yet and you left her wanting more, then it’s more compelling for her to come back to it, to have you “show her around” (guided tours of my apartment always end in the bedroom... funny that), and so on.
Remember state breaks? (It’s crucial that you understand this stuff.) Your place can be set up to be totally devoid of them. The right music, the right lighting, the right drinks, the right everything will all be there. No prominent clocks to remind her what time it is (“mmm... kissing him he’s nice... this feels good... OH MY GOD THAT CLOCK SAYS 1AM HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN HERE I’M LYING ON THIS GUY’S COUCH FOOLING AROUND WITH HIM OH MY GOD I HAVE TO GET HOME BEFORE THIS GOES TOO FAR”)...
Her place may be the Death Star of state breaks for all you know. For example:
Roommates? Neighbors who drop by? (Or even nosy neighbors who see you walk in with her in the middle of night... you don’t care, but she probably doesn’t want that knowing and slightly condescending look the next morning from her neighbor... women have an amazing talent – and desire – to make another woman feel badly about herself for enjoying her sexuality.)
Sometimes a woman won’t show you or invite you into her bedroom. It might be for some irrelevant (to a man) reason like her bedroom is messy or she left her underwear on the floor. Like you care, right? But she does. So you start getting physical on her couch. But maybe she doesn’t want to have sex on the couch. If she’s going to have sex, she wants it on her bed. (“this is hot... I don’t want to screw on my couch that’s sleazy and messy... we have to go to my bed... WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT AM I DOING? SEX? THIS IS OUR FIRST DATE! HE’S GOING TO THINK I’M A SLUT! WE CAN’T DO THIS. I CAN’T BELIEVE I LET THINGS GO SO FAR! NONONO!”)
Alarm clocks, work clothes, lists of things to do, her computer, anything to remind her that she has to get up the next morning.
Pets making noise or trying to crawl all over you when you’re trying to get physical.
She may plug her cell phone in when she gets home, at which point she might look at her text messages or missed calls.
Etc., etc., etc. All kinds of things can go wrong. Yeah, you can deal with and solve any of these issues. Successful men do routinely, since you can’t always control the logistics. But when you can, do it. Why introduce unnecessary potential pitfalls?
Alright, I’m already starting to run out of space. Hopefully this gives you an idea of why starting your dates at your place is important. Hopefully this also gives you an idea about why sometimes the little things are so crucial. If you’d asked me ten years ago whether it mattered if you and a woman met up at your place before going or just met out somewhere, I’d have said no. Actually, I’d have said “date with a beautiful woman? How do I get that?” – I am definitely not a “natural” and was worse than most students I’ve met before I started to explore and learn this stuff. But it’s just one little thing that can make all the difference in the world. Get enough of the little things right and your success skyrockets.