September 23, 2009


Q&A - Commitment & Sex, Lonely Single Women

Love Systems,

You must get a lot of mail so I’ll make this short. I have been dating someone for about two months and we still haven’t had sex. She dresses provocatively, she talks about sex all the time, but she always says stop when anything gets physical. I couldn’t even get her shirt off. I read some stuff on comfort and seduction and saw a bunch of mistakes that I made about trying to push her. Pair-bonding worked great, and we become much more intimate, but we still haven’t “sealed the deal.” I know it’s only two months, but I’m starting to feel like a chump. I also don’t really know if she’s my girlfriend (I want her to be), and it’s really confusing. Help!

- Y.E., Louisville, KY

Dear Y.E.,

Just because a woman talks about sex or dresses provocatively does not mean she is any more or less receptive toward sexual advances. Female psychology is complicated; in some cases, the communication about sex is there because she is insecure or scared of actual sex. On the other hand, the fact that she talks about sex all the time, while dating you, but not being intimate, is a bit odd. We’ll cover that in a bit.

Let’s get some background covered first.

Quoting from a Forum post on “How to get her to be your girlfriend:”

Your goal is to see her 2-3 times per week and for her to come to the conclusion herself that she doesn’t want to see other men and/or that she’d rather give up the ability to see other men in return for knowing that you won’t see other women. It’s important for her to come to this conclusion herself as opposed to your pressuring her. If you pressure her into a commitment before she feels completely ready – or at least ready enough to bring it up or hint strongly at it herself – then you’re significantly adding to the likelihood that she’ll cheat on you later. So let’s not do that.

Very true, and brings to mind a general rule: change her mood, not her mind. It is very difficult to argue a woman logically into changing an emotional decision about an emotional subject. If you do, it’s unlikely to “stick.”

For best results, start when in Comfort. Vague long-term plans based on common interests are a great idea. For example, if I’m dating a woman who tells me she loves art, I’ll talk about how we have to go to the Getty Museum one day. If we realize we both love ice hockey, I’ll comment on how we have to go to a game. If she wants to be a better cook, then I’ll suggest we take a cooking class at this school right under the Arclight, and maybe make it more specific by agreeing on what kind of cuisine we should learn.

Not only are you uncovering great date ideas, but you are also 1) reinforcing any emotions she has that you and her have some exciting possibilities ahead, 2) communicating that you see potential for some kind of longer-term relationship with her, and 3) helping her imagine herself with you in other contexts in the future. Don’t actually plan anything at this stage – keep it vague. Planning is boring for many women and takes away excitement and adventure and can make everything feel “too serious” to them.

You didn’t mention how often you see her or what the tone of your relationship is, so this may or may not help. If it does, great. Now check out the concluding paragraph:

It is a rare woman who will see you 2-3 times per week and never refer to you as her boyfriend or initiate a discussion about the future. But if it happens, then the responsibility falls on you to say something like “I feel funny bringing this up, but I realized we never actually talked about this. Are we supposed to be seeing other people?” Be emotionally neutral – and not nervous – when you say this. One way or another, this will resolve the issue.

I’d run with this. It might be the commitment issue that is keeping her from wanting to have sex.


Love Systems,

Why do some women complain that they are lonely but they are always busy when you ask them out? I date a lot of women, but there are some who are like this.

- J.W., Tokyo, Japan.

Dear J.W.,

Some single women are lonely in general, but this feeling is not necessarily connected with her automatic responses to a man in front of her. She can be lonely when she spends another Friday watching a movie with her sister, but she can still reject a man because she is used to rejecting men because she has rejected 3,500 of them before she met you.

You might think 3,500 is an exaggeration. It’s not. Let’s assume she is 25 and only goes out to social events twice a week. Let’s assume she has been going out since she was 18. Let’s also assume only five men talk to her each night, which is low for an attractive woman, and that men never talk to her except for on these nights.

That’s 3,640 – even with all of the “low” assumptions. Her natural inclination is going to be to say no. That’s what attractive women do – they’re not looking to say yes, they’re looking for reasons to say no.

Sometimes women say they are lonely because they want the man they are talking to to make them feel better. So she will hope you will say “don’t be lonely, I like you, let’s go to dinner.” Now she feels attractive to men again. She doesn’t actually need to go out with you anymore – she got the validation she needs.

If you know a woman like this and you are interested in her, never get into a discussion about her dating life. It will only put you in the therapist or “just-a-friend” frame.

Much better is: “Oh. I’m sure you’ll meet someone” and then continue to push forward with whatever emotions you are trying to create in her. Once she realizes that you are a challenge as opposed to someone who will ask her out as soon as she implies a need, she might take more notice. Never let her talk about other men, unless she is telling you about her distant past. Don’t be serious and awkward about it, just adopt the mindset that you would if your 14-year old sister is telling you about a boy in school she likes, and start talking about something else.

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Nick Savoy
Nick Savoy


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