Finally – a solution for one of the most FRUSTRATING parts of dating beautiful women.
It’s Friday night. You see a woman you like. You spend the night talking and flirting, you feel like you’ve done everything right, and you get her phone number. You’ve even planned a date for next week...
... but it never happens.
Maybe you never actually get her on the phone to finalize plans. Maybe she “remembers” that she “has to work.” Maybe you get a last-minute cancellation in a text message. It all adds up to the same thing:
Most men could be TEN TIMES BETTER with women if they stopped women from flaking. Think about it – a flake isn’t just a random rejection. You might have spent the whole night talking to her. Add in the time getting ready, going out, coming home, calling her, organizing your schedule – how many other women could you have met in that time?
The world is a busy place. When you go meet women, make your time count. Don’t get near the finish line and have a flake turn all of that into wasted effort.
If eliminating flaking is so valuable, why don’t more men do it?
Here’s your chance to get ahead of the competition. Most guys don’t think they have a problem with women flaking on them because they take women’s excuses seriously. If you’re really into a girl and she cancels on your first date because she says she’s sick... well, you really want to believe her. And you’ve been sick before. It happens. So... all systems go, right?
Wrong. And worse than wrong, whatever mistakes you made with her, you’ll keep making, because you didn’t recognize the flake.
Fortunately, we have Love Systems expert Chris Shepherd (aka “Tenmagnet”) to the rescue, with some great techniques we’re about to get into.
Preventing flaking is one of his many specialties – so much so that at the 2008 Super Conference he was chosen to present on the main stage about preventing flaking. Even other Love Systems instructors were taking notes.
So, we recently got Tenmagnet in town to do an interview with Keys to the VIP winner Cajun specifically on preventing flaking. He’s written articles and done speeches before, but you can cover a subject in a ton more depth if you have about an hour to talk about it (boiled down to its biggest and most usable insights). You can listen to the first ten minutes for free here.
There are a ton of great usable techniques on the interview – to give you a taste of where he’s coming from, check out the classic Tenmagnet article on Treat Dates Like an Option in his blog.
Here’s one of my favorite quotes from that article (they go into much more detail in the interview):
Cool people who have stuff going on in their lives don’t treat dates like priorities. Hot girls don’t pull out their Blackberries and write “Tenmagnet, 8pm Thursday” into their calendars when I invite them out, and they don’t expect me to do so either. Even if you’re a really cool guy, and she really likes you, chances are any plans you make together are still options, not priorities...
A priority is when you mark off a date in your calendar, cancel your other plans, and start tidying your apartment just in case she comes back to your place. Implicitly, when you treat a date like a priority, you’re presuming that the other person is treating it like a priority too. When you make something a priority, you get disappointed when the plans change or get canceled.
An option is simply the possibility of doing something, with real plans TBA. When you have an option open with a girl, there’s no pressure, there are no real plans, there’s just an agreement that you like one another and will hang out as soon as your busy schedules work together. An option is when you have plans for Thursday, but you call her up on Wednesday and say “let’s grab a pint tonight.” Options are not real plans; they only become solid plans a few hours before the event, when you call up and say “Hey, it’s Tenmagnet. You still down for some Vietnamese food in the market?” They are emotionally driven – we will meet up when it feels right, and we will do what we feel like doing at that time. Any plans are really only guidelines for what is going to be an emotionally driven activity.
The great thing about treating dates like options is that they’re low-pressure, comfortable, and make you look like an easygoing, busy guy who doesn’t care too much about the interaction. By treating dates like options, you’re preventing the logistics of the situation from interfering with the emotions of the situation. As long as the emotions are good, as long as she’s attracted to you and wants to meet up with you, then you can be confident that the logistics will work out eventually.
(I emphasized the middle sentence of the last paragraph because it ties everything back to the Love Systems Triad – our complete model for seduction – and the principle that there are three key places you need to succeed with a woman and you need to keep the momentum going on all of them: physical, emotional, and logistical.)
Tenmagnet goes on to share some more hard-hitting practical techniques:
If you treat a date as a priority, or worse, try and make her treat your date like a priority, you’re going to damage the emotional momentum that is driving her to want to meet up with you. Some gurus advocate calling women out on their flakiness. That’s a great idea if you don’t care about talking to her again. Likewise, trying to pressure or guilt a girl into going on a particular date with you is a great way to ruin attraction and ensure she doesn’t answer the phone when you call next. The fact is, unless you have tickets to a Bob Dylan concert or something, it’s really lame and needy to expect a woman to treat your casual date plans as a priority.
Treating dates like options can sometimes be a bit of a pain. Sometimes, you have to wait a week or more between getting a girl’s number and meeting up with her. You can’t plan really complicated dates, and you often need to have some decent phone game to keep the emotional momentum going in between meetups, but in the end, it’s a much more effective strategy. Eventually, as long as she’s attracted to you, she WILL meet up with you in the end. And the hard-to-get, busy girls are usually the most fun anyways. (Source: Tenmagnet’s Blog)
Most of you are subscribed to the interview series already (if not, check out how it works here) so you’ve already been listening to the Tenmagnet/Cajun interview and using it in your own dating life.
So, I’m going to go off in a different direction here and answer a couple of similar questions I get a lot: 1) How do you tell if a woman is ‘flaking,’ and 2) What do you do about it when she does. These are kind of damage-control questions, because if you’ve followed Tenmagnet’s tips, you shouldn’t be getting many flakes. But, if you can’t recognize a flake you can’t deal with it, so let’s start there.
If a woman cancels on a first date, she’s probably flaking. She didn’t have to cancel; she chose to.
I’ve been lucky in that I started learning Love Systems several years ago, so I’ve spent years now surrounded by beautiful women. These are actual direct quotes from “9s” and “10s” about cancelling on dates:
“I don’t get into a guy easily but when I’m really into someone I’ll make sure I’m there.”
“Sometimes you have to say okay just to get him off the phone but I know I can cancel later.”
“If he wants to make plans for like next week, everyone knows that things can come up so it’s not that serious.”
“If I don’t know what I’m doing on the weekend I might make backup plans or keep my options open and see how I feel later.”
Of course, not every cancel is a flake. (And not every flake kills your chances; we’ll get to what to do when she flakes in a moment.) Here are some indications that she ISN’T flaking:
She phones to cancel instead of sending a text message.
She cancels as soon as she realizes the conflict instead of the last minute (no one who is genuinely planning to go on a date all of a sudden remembers at 7pm that she has to work that night).
She suggests alternative plans (e.g., “are you free Sunday?”) or makes a point of telling you that she really wants to see you. It’s funny sometimes – beautiful women who flake a lot to get rid of persistent “nice guys” will sometimes tell you explicitly that they are “not flaking” when they do actually want to see you.
She continues the conversation (onto other subjects) after she tells you she can’t make it.
She gets in touch with you in the next couple of days.
She may still be flaking and do a couple of those, but if she doesn’t do any, she is almost definitely flaking.
So, what do you do now? Sulk? Write her off? There’s no reason to let a flake be more than a temporary obstacle. My current girlfriend flaked on me the first time we were supposed to go out. I was dating enough other women that I didn’t really notice or care (something Cajun and Tenmagnet also talk about in the interview).
I’ll copy this bit straight out of my book, Magic Bullets. Magic Bullets has 24 chapters, from Approaching to Seduction, with full chapters on all the key skills you have to master: winging, dates, fashion, storytelling, social circles, physical escalation (“kino”), and much more.
The section below is from Chapter 22 on Phone Game. Here’s what to do when a woman flakes:
And that’s it.
Don’t be upset. Don’t lecture her. She doesn’t care. If she cared about what you thought of her, she probably wouldn’t have flaked in the first place. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself if “feeling tired” would have kept her from a date with Brad Pitt. All that punishing her will do is to associate yourself in her mind with bad emotions, and momentarily make her feel badly. But don’t worry; she’ll feel better when the next guy gives her attention.
Just in case that wasn’t clear...You planned to meet her at 6pm? You had to leave work early? Fight traffic? Cut your workout short? Miss your favorite show? Tough. She doesn’t care. That’s not her problem. If you tell her all of this, you just lost value in her eyes because you rearranged your life for a date with her when she’s clearly still iffy about you.
Remember Pre-selection (Chapter 3) and act like a man who has lots of women interested in him. Such a man wouldn’t be especially thrown off by a flake. He has other women in his life who would love see him, and more likely than not, whatever it was that he was going to do with her was something that he would enjoy doing anyway with cool friends (see Chapter 16 on dates). If this frame is not perfectly clear and obvious to you, cancel the next time you set up a date with a random woman. I’m serious. Listen for her reaction and learn to copy it. It didn’t ruin her day. It shouldn’t ruin yours.
A phrase I’ve had a lot of success with is “No problem, I’ll invite someone else.” This is best used when your plans were obviously for two people (e.g., you had two concert tickets and invited her). Don’t use this on a third or fourth date, but when the relationship is still casual, it’s perfect.
(Excerpted from Chapter 22: Phone Game of Magic Bullets version 1.5, released 2009)
Don’t use this until you’re comfortable with all of the great anti-flake techniques from the Tenmagnet and Cajun interview.
If you meet a woman and for whatever reason you don’t get to use all of the anti-flake techniques, try this out:
Suggest plans that are much easier for her to agree to than not (e.g. “coffee... next Tuesday.” She’s probably planning to cancel; don’t worry about it.).
Cancel the night before, before she can cancel on you if she still remembers your plans, with a reason that piques her curiosity about you (“Doing an interview”/“At my friend’s restaurant opening”/“My friend Amelia is going back to London”). Promise to make it up to her, but don’t suggest anything specific.
In the next couple of calls or text messages add value without suggesting plans. Then go to Tenmagnet’s “date option” technique.
Use this if she flakes on you with a late text message, voicemail, or if she doesn’t even contact you.
Pretend it never happened. Pretend YOU were the one who couldn’t make it.
Call or text to apologize.
It sounds absurd, but it works. Whatever you do, do not shake your inviolable frame that, despite any and all possible evidence to the contrary, you were the one who couldn’t make it. If she insists on pointing out that she cancelled too (which is rare), act relieved.
For bonus points, slip straight into the “make it up to you” technique we just covered.
It’s astounding how well this works. It doesn’t make sense or fit any nice neat theories, but it does, so have fun with it.
For more great things you can do like this, check out the Cajun and Tenmagnet interview on flaking, which includes things like:
Treating dates like options and not priorities and why you should do it.