November 08, 2007


I Was Rejected - Why?

By Rokker

It's happned to every guy... You fight back and forth - shuold I talk to that girl that caught my attention? You finally build up the courage (or liquid courage) to approach and maybe go for her number, and things go south and she rejects you leaving you wondering "Why was I rejected"? We asked a top Love Systems Coach to explain why you were probably rejected, and what to say to girls so this doesn't happen again.

What really determines your rate of success from what you were (and are) to what you want to become is your ability to build up your own skillset which will help you learn what to say to girls so they won't reject you frequently. Understand that rejection is oftentimes inevidable and is oftentimes not even related to you. For instance, she may have had a really bad day and doesn't want to talk to anyone, when you roll up with your approach she may dismiss you **Not** because you did anything wrong but simply because you caught her at a bad time. Imagine that your skill level in meeting women (although this concept goes for every skill) is a brick wall, the more skillful you are the bigger it is. Every time you bring in new information and analyze it you are adding a brick to your skill wall. But here's the rub: in meeting women this has got to be information from experience and not something you've read!

This is why people fail... they have all this theory in their head but they don't really know how to use it because they haven't experienced it. They might think they know how and when to use it, but they don't. Think of theoretical information as bricks lying right next to your skill wall ready to be added, but until you've really experienced using that theory in field that brick won't add to your skill level. It's just not there yet.

Building The Wall

Learning what to say to girls can seem confusing because of the emotional journey you oftentimes must take them on from the moment you begin your interaction with her until you accomplish your goal (e.g. get her phone number, set up a date, etc.) Your objective is of course to build up your skill wall. Now here's the beauty of it: it's really you (and only you) who are in control of how fast you are building that wall. Add bigger chunks by doing a more detailed analysis of every interaction. Add more chunks by being social more frequently. Combined with theoretical knowledge and understanding, you will reach your goals faster than you could imagine and your skill level will skyrocket any you'll soon know what to say to women to avoid rejection and other issues.

The Outcome

First, ask yourself this question: Is the outcome of the approach the most important thing for you? Say you can run the same approach twice - the first time you run poor game but come away with a make-out, and the second time you run good game but come away with nothing. What would you prefer? Stop reading and really think about this, because it's important.

Here's your answer: As long as you learn something from the experience, the outcome is of less importance! It's generally good to be outcome-independent, but that implies that you actually learn something from an approach in which you ran good game. So if you realized that you ran poor game the first time, analyzed what went well and what didn't, and then added a brick to your skill wall because of that - well, that's better than running good game and not learning anything from it. (I don't think I have to tell you that the best outcome is learning from running good game!)


Every approach and every interaction you do should be broken down and analyzed. Don't get me wrong here; I'm not talking about putting on your thinking cap and calculating mad genius equations every time. But, you really should have a grasp of what you did right and what you did wrong in every approach. Depending on your current skill level, these things might be big (like coming in with negative energy or being generally insulting) or small (micro-calibration)."Why was I rejected?" - you hear a lot of beginners saying: "Well, uh, she was a total bitch." No, she's not a bitch. You did something that triggered her to be a bitch to you. Instead, ask yourself what you did that made her act like a bitch to you.

Did you:

  • Have good body language coming in?

  • Open correctly?

  • Create a false time constraint (give the illusion that you won't be hanging around all night), tease (correctly, not insulting) and start new conversational topics?

The more steps you can break your interaction into, the more you will learn and be able to apply to the next one. This is what analyzing approaches is all about! Break down your interaction and give yourself both positive feedback (as in things you did well and you plan to keep doing) and constructive negative feedback (things you want to get rid of or alter so it benefits you).

Also realize that what you think caused the bad response or rejection could have its roots in something you did earlier in the interaction. It might not be the most obvious thing that got you rejected, but a combination of things.

Constructive Feedback

It's important to give yourself constructive feedback. If you say "well, I certainly messed up that tease," that won't help unless you ask "what can I do to change the way I deliver that to make it work?" afterwards. Find the source of what went wrong and then figure out how to solve it. Just finding the source won't do; that's like finding a flat tire on your car and then riding on it without fixing it.

It's also easy to blame something or someone else if an interaction goes stale. Don't ever do this. Excuses like "the music was too loud" or "she wanted to dance and I don't know how" are just that, excuses. If the music is too loud, talk louder or move to a quieter location. If she wants to dance, find a way to be interesting enough so she wants to stay. The only way to build up your skill level is to be able to pinpoint your weaknesses and work on them.

Wingmen And Pivots

Your "wingman" or "pivot" (a female wingman) can give you feedback on things that you might not have noticed. However, your wingman can't change anything about how you are behaving for you. You have to take that step yourself and change whatever you're doing wrong. Only you can add bricks to your skill wall. Appreciate your wingman's feedback and figure out what you can do to apply it and make a positive change.

Negative State And When To Analyze

When you are out approaching women in a club and get rejected and you don't have a strong inner game, it's easy to lose the good state you are in. Analyzing the interaction right after a rejection can be an even bigger mood-breaker, so what I suggest is to take a "mental picture" of it and remember it for later analysis. Just quickly go over what you think was the biggest key factor that went wrong, store it away for later evaluation, and then get back in that good mood. Don't go around over-analyzing in the club; that will probably only confuse you and make you miss out on more potential interactions. Above that, it's a good way to train your memory.


If you are not already actively trying to learn something from every interaction then you are not progressing as fast as you could be. Focus on yourself and figure out what you're doing wrong as well as what you are going to do to improve. What to say to girls to get the results you want may seem like a daungint task, however, with practice and analyzing why rejections happened you can begin to piece together the puzzle.

Only you can build your skill wall as high as you want it to be.

To see if Rokker is teaching a program in your area, check out our schedule here.


CD Vol 17 The Right Way to learn Game (Samurai and Rokker)

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Bill Quaintance
Bill Quaintance


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