From Magic Bullets:
In This Chapter:
Emotions and sexual behavior
A comprehensive model
You see an attractive woman at a restaurant. Or maybe you're introduced to her at a party. What do you do now?
If you're like most men, you don't have a plan beyond "get to know her" or "start talking to her and see what happens." But as for what you actually do, the possibilities are endless. Do you:
Ask her name?
Ask a question?
Tell her a story?
Deliver your best "pickup line?"
There are literally billions upon billions of possible things you could be doing, especially when you take your body language and tonality into account. Your actions will combine with her personality and mood to create a particular emotional impression. She will react and then it's your turn again, with another set of infinite choices based on the new situation. There are so many possibilities and variables involved that the world's most powerful computers would not be able to model even the first half-second of your interaction.
This is part of the reason why meeting women can be stressful and frustrating for men. Our brains are configured to break down a big process into a series of smaller, logically-connected tasks. Say you're setting up a campsite with some friends. Your overall goal is to survive the night in some comfort. You know that to do this you need to build a tent, start a fire, and so on. And for each objective, you can learn the steps required to make it happen. Most men are intellectually comfortable in this sort of situation.
Succeeding with women is more complicated because meeting women is an interactive process, and people's personalities are unique, complex, and variable. In contrast, your campsite doesn't care how you build a fire. You don't have to be subtle or worry about embarrassing it in front of its friends. Matches don't go in and out of emotional states where they sometimes want to be list and sometimes they want to go home.
Fortunately, we don't have to throw up our hands in frustration. Human behavior will never be as predictable as building a fire, but through intelligent hypothesis-generation, an amazing amount of testing, and a good does of humility about the limitations and applicability of any individual insight, we can identify productive paths to succeeding with women.
Most women tend to make sexual decisions based more on their emotional state than pure physical attraction. This does not mean that your looks are not important. They absolutely are, and if you are good-looking, some women will have sex with you based on your looks alone. However, while women vary greatly, most of the time you will need to make an emotional impact. One thing we've found in our combined tens of thousands of approaches is that there are four emotional triggers that - if you can activate them all - tend to make women say yes.
In general, your best chance of sleeping with a women is to trigger these four emotions in her.
Let's briefly look at these triggers to help develop a model for female sexual behavior.
The concept of value is explained in Chapter 7 in Magic Bullets. Essentially, women like to sleep with men who are "better" than them. This is what creates attraction in a woman and explains why we call the time when we are trying to create this emotion in her the Attraction phase.
Most women like to feel that they have earned a man's attention and that he is interested in her for more than her looks. They like to feel "qualified," so we call this the Qualification phase. Qualification is where you make your interest in her explicit. You should not show signs of interest in her until she has shown signs of interest in you, which usually happens in Attraction.
We call this the Comfort phase, which is the longest in the Emotional Progression Model. It begins toward the end of the Qualification phase, when it's clear that both of you are interested in each other. It ends when you have established enough comfort and connection with her that she is comfortable being in a sexual situation with you. A sexual situation is one in which a woman is engaging in sexual behavior (touching that goes beyond kissing) in a place where sex could realistically happen.
We call this the Seduction phase. Seduction is the only phase in the Emotional Progression Model that can really be measured physically. The closer you are (physically) to sex, the further along you are in the phase. Seduction is primarily based on intensifying her willingness to have sex with you and mitigating her reasons not to. Once you have sex, the Seduction phase is over.
Thus these four triggers form the backbone of the Emotional Progression Model. And they generally come in this order:
In fact, these are the only four phases you may need if you are introduced to someone through your Social Circle (discussed in Chapter 12 of Magic Bullets) and all you're looking for is a one-night stand.
Of course, much of the time you are going to want to meet women who aren't already in your social circle. Whether you see a woman at a nightclub or a bookstore, you need the tools to approach her and start a conversation. We call this the Approaching phase:
Approaching focuses on approaching a woman you don't know (or more often approaching her and whatever group of people she is with, since women tend not to go to social events alone) and starting a conversation.
Transitioning turns a simple interaction into a longer conversation by introducing at least one new topic and changing the dynamic of your interaction. This is an important phase - and one newly formalized for this book - that turns approaches into conversations.
With Approaching and Transitioning and the four emotionally-based phases addressed previously, we have a path from meeting a woman to beginning a sexual relationship with her. Another innovation in this book is that we take the process one step further, with the Relationship phase:
After the Seduction phase, you've got the whole "what next?" question to deal with. Do you want her as your girlfriend? Someone to date? A friend with benefits? The Relationship phase takes you through this, and how to sustain and develop the type of relationship you want.
Adding these three phases creates the full Emotional Progression Model.
The stages of the model function as intermediate goals and measures of your progress. It's not a strictly linear process - Attraction overlaps a bit into Qualification, both Attraction and Qualification bleed into Comfort, and the Relationship phase done properly starts in Comfort as well - but the phases are essentially sequential.
The general overall linearity of the Emotional Progression Model yields five big insights:
Attraction comes before Qualification. Make a woman attracted to you before showing significant interest in her.
Attraction comes before Comfort. Make a woman attracted to you before looking for commonalities, deep conversations, etc.
Qualification comes before Comfort. Have a woman work to win your interest before you open up to each other.
Comfort comes before Seduction. Help a woman feel connected to you before progressing sexually.
Seduction comes before Relationships. Whatever you want with a woman, your medium-term goal is to sleep with her.
The last of these might be surprising - and has certainly been controversial. A common insight into female sexual behavior is that women will often delay sex for some time with a man she sees as a potential boyfriend while satisfying physical needs with another man or other men in the meantime.
While this is true, it does not mean that the man who is "dating and waiting" has the best chance of becoming her boyfriend. Very little builds as much intimacy with a woman as repeated sexual encounters. Sleep with her first, and then concentrate on showing her you'd be a good boyfriend rather than showing her you'd be a good boyfriend and then trying to sleep with her.
A further insight concerns the principle of emotional momentum. Emotional momentum explains why most interactions need to move forward or die. You can't stay in any particular phase forever. It will bore or frustrate most women. Even within a phase, you need to be moving forward. Say you had a great three hours meeting a woman at a party and made it all the way to the Comfort phase, but the next two weeks consisted of both of you unluckily leaving messages on each other's voicemail. You will likely lose emotional momentum and your chances with her. Emotional momentum can work against you through no fault of your own.
Emotional momentum can also work for you. Each phase that you can smoothly pass through builds up your momentum for the next one. When a woman talks about sleeping with you and says "it just happened," that's emotional momentum at work (and good Seduction skills). The whole process should happen quickly, not over months.
So that's a quick overview of the Emotional Progression Model. The rest of Magic Bullets goes into much more detail and gets to the nuts and bolts of how to use it.