Erotic Knave Magazine Goes On a Seduction Weekend with Keychain

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Out and About
EK Goes on a Seduction Weekend


Words: Bob Foster

I really envy the gay folk of this world, mainly because I can't co-ordinate my furniture for shit and my Oscar Night parties are always a crushing disappointment, but also because they've got systems worked out whereby everyone gets laid, all the time.  There's clubs for guys who like big hairy men to sit on their faces, clubs for guys who like to stick pins in their dicks together and clubs for guys who like to rock a ball gag in their mouths.  Then there's those bath houses with the swings that everyone just has a go on, and all those rules like if you're wearing a beige handkerchief out your left back pocket and your hat at a jaunty angle you're a bottom looking for a top who's prepared to drizzle treacle into your eyes while he fucks you gently.

They've only been allowed to be gay for like, 40 or so years and they've already got all that organized, so what's up with straight folks?  We've been allowed to have sex with each other for thousands of years and yet the men of this world still spend every weekend wandering round city centres liquored up, thinking the best way to get some action is dance close to the girl and separate her from her friends like she's a gazelle and you're a lion (only that's never worked because she's a law student and you're a fat guy).

If there was only a system established by which men could get more of what they wanted, we'd all be able to spend a lot less time drinking expensive bottled beers and pretending to like house music and a lot more time doing what we actually left our shitty little flats every Friday night with the intention of doing.  These guys calling themselves Love Systems think they might have figured out that very system, and they're willing to explain it to you (for a reasonable price, considering) at seminars that they hold around the world.  The deal is, for three full days they will teach you all they know about picking up women you like the look of, then you go out and do exactly that.

I don't usually go for things like that; as a young teenager I spent a considerable amount of money on pheromone spray out the back of a lad's mag, sprayed a load on prior to a school dance and got no dice, so I'm wary of quick fixes.  But because I'm a curious guy, I went along to one of their London seminars, partly because I thought it'd be funny to see a parade of freak virgins trying to memorize lines to trick women into bed, but you know what?  The guys there weren't anything like that; they were normal, nice guys who smelt fine and even wore smart clothes, they were just sick of doing that shitty boring club thing every weekend and coming home empty handed.  I completely warmed to them, even the guys running the show, who I was totally hoping would be like Tom Cruise in Magnolia ("respect the cock") but were actually just guys who treated the whole process of getting slightly clueless people laid with the same professional, patient attitude a doctor does a patient.

Turns out the whole system isn't a quick fix either.  If you want to get laid you have to pay attention.  You're expected to take a lot of notes, like, two notebooks' worth a day, and they will test you.  They test you by taking you out every evening after the seminar to bars and forcing you to approach women and engage them in conversation.  They make you do it again and again and they watch you get knocked back 'til you get it right.

And, turns out this stuff works (they wouldn't be so intense about it or attract guys who are probably capable of doing it themselves if it didn't).  I only stayed for one day, then went out the next weekend, followed just a morsel of their advice and came home with a solid 9.  No kidding around.

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