Relationships and Investment Theory
Okay, so you've got game. You can walk into a bar, approach women, make out with a few, and pull one back to your place. You can get the girl. But can you keep her? Make her your girlfriend?
Commitment is a critical part of any relationship. I don't mean the 'C' word in the normal way that women use. We're not necessarily talking about monogamy. We're talking about how willing you are to invest in a relationship, and how much the other person is driven to invest in you.
Have you ever slept with a woman a few times, then called her a few weeks later only to have her ignore your calls or not want to see you anymore? Chances are that she wanted you to invest in her more than just sexually, and you didn't.
Have you ever had a woman ask you to join her and her friends for dinner, and you turned her down and she was pissed? She wanted you to invest time in her social circle. And you didn't.
What I've realized is that there seems to be a very stable "investment equilibrium" at the basis of any good relationship. One person might invest more in the other person at any given moment, but, ultimately, if that person's investment is not reciprocated, the relationship is almost certain to break down. That investment might involve time, money, emotional or mental energy, but, whatever it is, it needs to be reciprocated in one way or another.
How is this relevant to developing your skills with women? If you already have great relationship skills, then you're probably willing to invest in your girlfriend and she invests in you - you reach a stable (but dynamic) equilibrium with her. If you don't, why not?
One thing I see with a LOT of guys that start getting good is that they concentrate heavily on generating attraction. But after attraction, comfort and seduction, after you've slept with her a few times and you want to continue seeing her, what it comes down to is this: she wants to see that you care about her. She wants to see you laugh when she cracks a joke, she wants you to text her at 3am in the morning when you miss her like crazy, and she wants you to make special surprise plans for her birthday.
It's easy for people to talk about a relationship as if it were a pick up, making suggestions which are based more on approaching and closing, rather than on "continuing" the pick up. Guess what? If you want to get into a relationship with someone, you need to be able to show her a real side of yourself. That's investment - it's being willing to spend time with her, showing her who you are, and figuring out who she is.
Here are some ways that you can demonstrate real investment in a woman:
- Make time for her. Don't just fit her into your schedule. If she means that much to you, then (on occasion) move things around just so that you can be with her.
- Give her little surprises. Cooking her favorite meal or buying her a small gift (it doesn't have to be expensive, it should just show that you know her and what she likes) are great ideas.
- Tell her how much she means to you and why you like her so much.
- When she's dressed up to meet you for a night out, realize that she's invested her time and money to do so and make her feel good for it: tell her she looks absolutely beautiful tonight!
I say all these with the strong caveat that she should be invested in you and of course a sexual relationship should have already been established. Investment equilibrium always applies. If she hasn't invested too much into you (perhaps by not sleeping with you yet), then it would be uncomfortable for you to be investing too much into her.
So, next time you're trying to date a girl and you feel like you've done everything correctly but for some reason the relationship isn't as strong as you want it to be, ask yourself if you've shown a genuine interest in dating her and whether this has been apparent with how you've tried to build your relationship with her. As an example, after you slept with her, did you:
a) Text her a week later inviting her around for another shag?
b) Call her to tell her you had great time with her, and that you hope she has a good week?
c) Invite her out with you and your mates at the weekend to get drunk and party?
There's a whole spectrum of investment strategy there. There's no right answer, but realize that which option you go for will affect which sort of relationship you might have with her. At the end of the day, whether she meets you on that ground depends on what she wants and what she's willing to invest in you. The road runs both ways - she might want option c), but maybe that's not what you want.
Investment equilibrium is something that seems completely obvious, and should be to anyone who read the 20-page chapter on Relationships in Magic Bullets, but I think it's something that is all too easily forgotten when you're learning seduction skills. At the end of the day, no one is going to have a happy relationship with someone who isn't willing to invest in it as much as he is. This isn't just about romantic or sexual relationships, it's about friendships and business relationships too. There needs to be an equilibrium for a relationship to work.
So, next time you're chilling with your girl under the duvet in the crisp cold of a winter morning, don't worry about saying something cool, interesting, funny or attractive. Just look her in the eye and tell her you love being with her. Invest in her.
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