From the desk of Savoy:
Hey guys... the mail has really been piling up. I don’t know when I was able to do a mailbag last, so this is long overdue...
Before I dive in (and get a bunch more questions after I send this out), let me go over some ground rules... there’s no way I can answer every question I get. I used to do that five years ago, but there’s just no way I could keep up today.
I do a mailbag once in a while with the most common themes, but if you have questions – especially urgent ones... here are some places to go:
- The Attraction Forums – the largest free dating advice forum for men. Your question may have been asked before. Use the search menu or go to the homepage.
- Magic Bullets – 90% of the questions I get asked are ones I’ve already answered in the book Magic Bullets.
- The Love Systems Lounge – available to former bootcamp and seminar clients only. Free lifetime support from instructors and advanced students, as well as a massive searchable library (from when we called it “Mystery’s Lounge”).
- Phone Consultations – when you need detailed personal advice from an expert. Get in touch with us to set up an appointment.
Mailbag – May 2009
Where the hell were you guys 10 years ago?
On New Year’s Eve I decided to change my life. Either Love Systems was going to help me sort out women and dating, or it wasn’t. I read Magic Bullets and the Routines Manual (Volume 1 but I can’t wait to get Volume 2) and whenever I wanted more detail on something, I just went to the audio catalogue . BTW, you should be careful about making 10 minutes free on every interview since those first 10 minutes give A LOT away.
You’ve heard this story before, I’m sure. I’ve had my first one night stand, my first threesome, and even dated a minor celebrity (a well-known local TV personality – I’ll send you a pic since I’m sure you haven’t heard of her in Cali). My married friends think I’m having a mid-life crisis, but I can see they’re jealous. Two of my single friends have started reading Magic Bullets, and we’re already a dangerous pack together despite being a bit older than most single men.
So, get this. I can get (almost) any girl I want, but I’m starting to think that the one I really want is my ex-girlfriend. Any tips for me?
- Randall T., Grand Junction, CO
I get a few “get my ex back” questions every day. It’s about time I answered. Here goes:
Read the classic Love Systems “Kill Beatrice” post by Hall of Fame instructor “Future.”
Seriously. Go read it. This LSi will still be here when you get back.
Also, make sure you’re not into this because she’s “the one who got away.” Lots of women got away before you started with Love Systems and if she’s the one you think about, then it’s natural to want what you can’t have. But, if you get her back – are you sure you’re going to want her? Or will the attraction disappear when she’s no longer a challenge?
If it’s even partly the latter, stay away. I don’t want to get all preachy, but you can do a lot more damage playing on your ex’s feelings than you could flirting with a new girl.
The irony here is that if you feel that way, you’re unlikely to get her back. And if you do get her back, you’re going to lose her... again.
You MUST get over this hump. Or you will repeat the cycle.
Back when I used to do phone consultations, I saw this way too often. A client would take my advice on how to get her back but ignore the inner game stuff necessary to keep her. I’m told from other instructors (who do phone consultations) that this still happens.
No matter how great she is, you can date women who are equally interesting. You got her, right? Why can’t you get someone of equal quality again?
Unless you are 100% convinced (really convinced... not faking it) that you can attract women at and above her level, you WILL lose her.
Let me list a few things that are unattractive to most women:
If you want her back, it will show. You need some distance.
Even if you think it won’t show, or that you’re “not doing anything” - it probably will and you probably are, even without noticing.
Say you and her happen to be at the same party. You’re minding your own business and having fun. All cool, right? But she might think it’s “weird” or want to hook up with someone and see your presence as a “cockblock” – even if you’re not even remotely paying attention to what she’s doing.
And then she can get frustrated and feel like you’re stalking, or not over her yet (some women’s favorite stories to tell revolve exclusively around “men who want me”), and so on.
And then she’ll actually believe it.
Even if it’s completely illogical. In Love Systems, it’s emotion, not logic.
Maybe you have friends in common and you’re in the same extended social circle.
In that case, minimize your time together without making it seem like you’re going out of your way to avoid her.
Don’t talk about her. If someone brings her up and placid silence isn’t an option, be positive about her and change the subject. This goes double for her dating life. It goes triple for the breakup.
Don’t show off. Don’t go out of your way to bring other women around her or mutual friends. Live your life and do what you’d normally do, but err on the side of caution.
Yes, Pre-selection (being attractive to other women) is one of the key things that attract especially beautiful women. But, you don’t want her to feel that you are pre-selected bit by bit. When you re-initiate in a few months (see below), you want it to be a big bang.
You want her wondering, “who is this guy I let get away?”
Something about you should change before you re-initiate contact.
(We’ll get to the biggest change you need to make, next.)
Whether it’s a new job, a new hobby, a change to your dress style, something – and it need only be one thing – should change.
Since women are attracted first and then figure out the “reasons” later, you want to make it as easy as possible for women to find reasons to be interested in you, once you’ve hit some attraction spikes.
If this concept is new to you, I really think you could benefit from reading my book, Magic Bullets, which is full of ready-to-use techniques like this. Make sure to download the free chapters and try for yourself.
These “reasons” can be arbitrary. I’ve had women insist... INSIST that they slept with me because I’m a Libra and Libras are so balanced and in touch with themselves. Or because I drink gin. Or because I have “nice eyes.”
They even believe it at the time. In reality, they slept with me because I ran them through the Love Systems Triad Model (from the Routines Manual Vol. 2) which made them FEEL that they wanted me. Only afterwards did they look for reasons.
So, you need to help her out with some kind of arbitrary change so she notices something different when you re-initiate contact.
This also reinforces that you should stay away from her in the meantime. It’s hard to notice change when you’re too close. You’ll never see the grass grow by staring at it.
Yes, I know you’re still convinced that you just want that one girl.
I don’t care. In fact, I won’t even believe you until you’ve shown me that you can get women who are as attractive as (or more than) her, and that you still want her. Otherwise, my guess is you’re rationalizing, just like a woman who sleeps with me because I’m a Libra.
But, even if I did believe you, I still wouldn’t care. You still need to get better with women in general.
Think of top golfer Tiger Woods. He rarely trains for any specific golf course. He practices the fundamentals of golf – driving, putting, and so on.
Maybe before a tournament he refreshes a bit on the course, but that’s it. Tiger Woods gets better at golf; he doesn’t get better at a specific golf course.
For all of this to have an effect, you need to get better with women in general.
(Usually that means a bootcamp or one-on-one coaching. But, you can also make a ton of progress using Magic Bullets with Volume 2 of the Routines Manual and sorting out any gaps with the advanced interview series.)
Learn the skills. Get experience using them. Success breeds success. Women can “smell” a man who is comfortable with beautiful women and able to keep up with them. And men who are not.
For a real-life example of this – how a stand-offish “10” turned into a very sexual, threesome-loving dream girl, and how to seduce a runway model from the Playboy Mansion, read this classic field report.
(It’s in two parts... so when you hit the bottom of the post, there should be a thing that says click here for Part II.)
When you’re ready – that is, when you are confidently and consistently attracting women who are as attractive as her or better – only then can you re-initiate contact with her from a position of strength.
Whatever you do, when you re-initiate USE THE LOVE SYSTEMS TRIAD. If you make her feel emotionally close to you but not physically (or you miss the opportunity physically because your logistics were wrong) you’ll doom yourself to yet more time in “Let’s Just Be Friends” land.
This is an especially big risk if you guys have already broken up once. The Triad is a special part of Volume 2 of the Love Systems Routines Manual.
- Make sure she really is worth this effort.
- Do you think your ex is “as good as you’re going to get?”
- Minimize contact with her for a few months.
- Big, fat, hairy beer bellies.
- Their best friend’s kid brother who follows them around like a puppy dog.
- Adult diapers.
- The ex-boyfriend who hangs around everywhere and wants her back.
- If you’re in her social circle...
- Get better with women in general.
- Then, and only then, re-initiate contact.
- Don’t mess it up again.
When you re-initiate contact with her, act like you’re in the “Dating/Undefined” category of relationships.
The Relationship Management DVDs break down relationships into 6 categories – including traditional relationships, multiple relationships, friends with benefits, etc.
Dating/Undefined is somewhat like treating every time you see her as the 2nd or 3rd date. Have that frame.
If you’re not familiar with this, learn Love Systems Relationship Management. It covers everything from how to get into every kind of relationship (one girlfriend, threesomes, multiple girlfriends, one night stands, hookups, etc.), to how to manage each one, how to move between, and more.
It’s also the only place where we released “the model” – how you can predict when and how your girlfriend might cheat and also what you can do about it (it’s not what you think).
It’s gone wrong once. Don’t let it go wrong again. My current girlfriend and I have broken up a couple of times, so I know where you’re coming from.
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