Be More Confident - You Don't Have to "Win"

Here's a little tidbit that crosses the line between "outer game" tactics and "inner game" psychology. It's probably most important to guys who are consistently able to get in-depth conversations going with women, but should be relevant to everyone.

A lot of times you'll hear a woman (or even someone in her group) say something you disagree with. It could even be something that is blatantly wrong. Last weekend a woman told me that the U.S. government under Bill Clinton left the U.S. with the largest deficit in its history. Most educated Americans would know that this is probably not true.


But so what?

I'm not part of the U.S. Treasury Department Accuracy Enforcement Committee. I was out to have fun. Yes, she had silly ideas. If she were my girlfriend, I might tease her about this and send her a link to the U.S. Treasury's website. Otherwise, who cares? Let it go, and enjoy the moment.

If you argue with someone over a little point, you are subcommunicating that this is something deeply important to you, that you always have to be right, and that you probably don't have good social intuition.

You'll also lose control of the frame of your interaction with her, and hopefully by now, you realize that if you don't have some control over the frame, you're not likely to get the girl.

Women are often attracted to men with wealth, status, and confidence. In fact, these are three of the eight attraction triggers explained in Magic Bullets (see Chapter 3 (Female Psychology) and Chapter 7).

Now, how does a man with wealth, status, and confidence act? Does he argue with strangers about things he knows to be right? If you met Richard Branson or Brad Pitt at a party and you said that there has never been a man on the moon, do you think they'd care? They'd probably say "oh, that's interesting" and move on. Do they care that you have strange ideas? Practice having that kind of reaction.

Notice, by the way, that the hypothetical Richard Branson or Brad Pitt controls the frame with a response like "oh, that's interesting." It subcommunicates that you are trying to convince them of something. They control the frame, and you are operating within it. What you're talking about is clearly more important to you than it is to them, which subcommunicates that the whole interaction is more important to you than it is to them.

When you meet a woman you don't know, focus on what's important to you, and what you want her to perceive as being important to you. If you are having fun and making a connection, that says one thing about you. If you are arguing with her about some factual trivia, that says something else.

Frame Control is Crucially Important

Even though I'm skating over this pretty quickly, these are crucial issues. In fact, I'd agree with those who have said that this is probably the single most important subject in dating science. If you don't feel completely confident around issues of framing, frame control, and subcommunication, you should make this one of your top priorities for your game. It's a big focus in how we structure our bootcamps now as well.

Change her mood, not her mind

On a related note, you will never seduce a woman with facts and logic. The only reason I was even talking about politics with this person was because I was more interested in the topic (you don’t meet a lot of very conservative right-wing people where I live) than I was in seducing her. That didn't stop me from making out with her later, so that's perhaps not the best example.

Actually, it is, in a way, since it illustrates the theme of changing her mood, not her mind. After a too-intellectual conversation for the venue we were at, I became a bit more interested in her. To get her attracted to me, I led the conversation to an emotional level. Instead of talking about politics, I made her laugh, I teased her, I told fantastic stories and I listened to hers. Then I used the "almost kiss" (one of the four major kiss moves described in Chapter 17 (Kissing) of Magic Bullets). She didn't even let me finish the routine before our lips touched.

Being able to move an intellectual conversation to an emotional one is important. I personally never understood this until a few years ago. I'm a bright guy, and when I was younger, one way I tried to interest women was by showing off my intelligence. This didn't work especially well. Here are some things to keep in mind:

  • If you're an intelligent guy, women will perceive this no matter what you do.
  • Being "too intelligent" or "book-smart" is actually a turnoff for a significant number of women (not all, probably not even most, but still a lot).
  • If you're focused on "proving" your intelligence, it can get in the way of demonstrating some of the eight primary attraction switches.

Yes, many women do look for intelligent men. Those women will find you, whether or not you're explaining Fermat's last theorem.