What’s the #1 thing holding most men back in their dating and social life?
Themselves. Most men are their own biggest enemy - specifically the part of your brain that feels fear. Let me explain...
Three Kinds of Fear - #1 Fear of Failure
Fear of failure is what stops men from approaching women, going for the kiss close, trying to get her phone number, or more.
It’s true that rejection sucks. It’s also true that you can avoid rejection entirely by not approaching at all. You will be watching other men get with the women you like, but you will have protected your ego against failure. You can’t lose if you don’t play.
But who the heck plays the dating game “not to lose?”
If you approach, you are going to get rejected. Nick Hoss was voted the #1 pick up artist in the world last year. He’s picked up more Playboy girls, models, and cheerleaders than I can count. And he gets rejected plenty. Not every woman is going to be in the mood to flirt right now, and not every woman who is open to flirting will be attracted to you.
Trying to avoid rejection while attracting women is like trying to avoid traffic while driving to Disneyland. It’s impossible. It’s the cost of doing business. Sure, avoid it as much as you can, but a little traffic is worth getting to your destination. Just like how a few rejections are worth finding amazing, beautiful, women who are thrilled to be with you.
I have another secret to share with you: just like rejection is inevitable, so is success.
Success is inevitable? Yes, it is – if you know what you’re doing, have a good coach to help you, and you stick with it. When I talk to clients before they start a Love Systems workshop, some tell me that they’re worried they will never get good with women. Sometimes they are so nervous they get me nervous for them too (emotions are contagious).
And then I remember the story of my cousin Tanya and her daughter Michelle. Michelle was 2 years old, but wasn’t talking yet. I asked Tanya if she was worried:
- TANYA: Do you know any adults who never figured out how to talk?
ME: I guess not.
TANYA: Michelle will figure it out too.
And she did. Today Michelle is a normal, talkative 4-year old. Just like everyone who goes through the tried-and-true Love Systems training bootcamp, or day game workshops or the SuperConference learns the skills they need. Everyone else did. Dating and attracting women is not that complicated once you learn what to do and what you’re doing wrong. Success is inevitable, unless you’re lazy or trying to fail.
Now who would actually try to fail? Read on to the second kind of fear…
Three Kinds of Fear - #2 Fear of Success
Do you tend to be more comfortable with less attractive women? (“6s” and “7s” as opposed to “9s” and “10s”.) Do you have fights and conflict with women that you later regret?
If you answered yes to either, you might have a fear of success. There’s a part of your subconscious mind that is telling you that you’re not worthy. Now ask yourself one more question:
How many “9s” and “10s” have you approached (sober) in the last month?
Who you approach is a huge signaling effect for a woman. Women don’t have time to get to know every possible man who crosses their path. So, they take shortcuts. Part of female psychology involves using your own psychology against you.
If you don’t approach hot women, you’re telling her that you don’t think you’re worthy of hot women. In which case, who is she to disagree? There are millions of men out there who do think they are worthy. May as well give them a chance first...
It’s the same thing with confident body language. This is just one of the things you can get from our Beyond Words. and if you don’t have great, confident body language it’s your own fault, since it’s something you can practice 24/7 and the resources are all available to you. And if she senses insecurity and nervousness when you approach a woman, you’ll be telling her that you think she’s out of your league. And again, why would she disagree?
In other words, your poor body language would be talking so loudly that she wouldn’t be able to hear what you are saying.
Three Kinds of Fear - #3 Fear of Change
Diving into the world of Love Systems can be scary. You’ll learn how to be social, experience a lot of new things, and face a lot of new situations you’d never considered before.
Leaving your comfort zone can be scary. I get it. When I was starting out, there were nights I would try to talk myself out of going out to meet women. And when I went out, sometimes I’d tell my friends that I don’t want to pick up women tonight, I just want to relax and have fun.
Which of course was a total lie. I did want to meet women; I just wasn’t willing to tackle my fear of change. And then I started mapping out my life. I could predict what my life would be like 5, 10, 20 years down the road if I didn’t change. And I didn’t want to be that person – alone or settling, always wondering what could have been, and jealous of other men who did change and enjoyed their new life.
That was the kick in the pants I needed. Maybe it’s yours too. Do this exercise:
- 1) Think for 5 minutes about what your life will be like in 5, 10, 20 years if you don’t change anything. Then write it down as descriptively as possible.
2) Think for another 5 minutes about how you want your life to look like in 5, 10, 20 years. Then write down the changes you’ll need to make to get there - and how you’re going to make those changes.
I like this exercise because it’s not me telling you what you need to do to get some success that I define for you. It’s you telling yourself what you need to do to get what you want.
You are in charge of your life. If you don’t set a direction, you’ll drift to wherever you end up. There’s a great quote that “most people spend more time and care planning their vacations than they spend planning their life.” That’s very true, and very unfortunate. To paraphrase Stephen Covey, if you don’t know where you’re going, or what it will look like when you get there, your odds of success are very small.
Imagine the ideal you and the ideal scenario. As long as it’s realistic, hold on to that image and make it happen. If your prioritize your schedule and schedule your priorities, there’s almost no limit to what you can do. But YOU have to make it happen. I’ve thrown a couple of cliches into this article, so why not finish with one last one. I know this is hard. But every journey begins with a single step. Take that first step – in whatever direction it is you want to go, even if it has nothing to do with dating or with Love Systems – today.
And if you find this sort of “inner game” advice to be helpful, definitely check out Braddock’s Introduction to Inner Game.
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