Mailbag day today – friends who get in the way, flight attendants, older men and younger women, cross-cultural pickups, building attraction when you only have a minute, and so on.
Q & A
Q. Savoy, I took a bootcamp with Sheriff and Soul in the summer and last weekend “pulled” a lingerie model from a charity party. Me! I thought this could never happen and the best part is I know I can do it again and again.
The Lounge is incredible and it’s helped me a lot to get answers from instructors about sticking points even after the bootcamp, but I wanted to ask you personally because it sounds like you went through a lot of the same stuff I did. How do I deal with old friends who still aren’t very good at this, and who mess it up for me?
- R. J., Columbus, OH
A. Dear R. J.,
Are these friends who added to your life before? Keep them. To be truly successful with women, you have to have something in your life that’s more important than women.
Or, were they the “misery loves company” type of friends, who were easy to hang out with because they were on your level?
Now, here’s a curveball:
Braddock and Mr. M in their Social Circle Mastery seminar talk about different circles of friends and how you can be limited in the number of each kind of friendships (close friend, acquaintance, etc.).
To oversimplify, if you want to be dating lingerie-model 9s and 10s from within your social circle (i.e., get introduced to them by friends instead of having to pick them up “cold” in public), then you have to construct a social circle that creates and supports that...
... which means you might not have as much time for everyone else that you did before.
It’s kind of a copout, but it’s a matter of balance and what’s important to you.
Now, let’s move on to friends who “mess it up” for you.
Don’t bring them along when you go out to meet women unless they change (by improving their skills if they are inept, or adjusting their attitude if the sabotage is deliberate).
You can’t avoid this. As I went into detail about in my book Magic Bullets, women will judge you by the company you keep and how you interact with your friends:
Having friends who are awkward: bad, but not a deal-breaker.
Having friends who don’t seem to have your best interests at heart: really bad.
You being in a position where you are forced to disrespect your friends to get the girl: really, really, really bad.
For deliberate sabotage, Braddock gave a great example in a Social Circle Mastery seminar I was observing, in response to a question precisely about this. It’s short and minimizes conflict while keeping the message clear:
“I love hanging out with you and I like being your friend, but if you do [whatever it is], I’m not going to be able to [hang out / go to clubs with you / etc.] anymore.”
If they’re messing it up for you because they don’t know any better, teach them.
But beware - some guys just won’t be, or aren’t, ready yet. It’s tough to understand why a thirsty man would refuse a glass of water, but it’s actually based on a fundamental psychological truth:
It’s easier to accept that something is impossible than it is to accept that you need to improve something about yourself.
Before I started to put the pieces of Love Systems together, the women I was interested in always ended up with other guys. I rationalized that these guys must be their boyfriends, or knew them before, or were rich or better looking, etc. And, I believed it.
I wasn’t happy, but my ego and self-image were protected. Not getting the women I wanted was like not reaching my childhood goal of being a professional hockey player: disappointing, but I did all I could and was only limited by factors beyond my control.
This is like the blue pill in The Matrix. You don’t know what you don’t know, so it doesn’t bother you. But, you also never get to fix it.
The red pill – the one that tells you what’s really going on – is a hard one to swallow. It means you’ve wasted months or years making excuses when you could have had the life you wanted.
Some men just aren’t ready for the red pill right away. The pattern is so clear that we call it the “three stages of denial.”
Stage 1: It doesn’t work.
Stage 2: Okay, it works, but it wouldn’t work on the type of women I like.
Stage 3: Okay, it works on women generally, but it’s manipulative and I’m above that.
So, if you tell or show your friends how your skills have improved and they are stuck in one of the three stages of denial, don’t beat your head against the wall. Give them time. Shedding self-protective beliefs, even if they are holding you back, is hard.
And, the longer they’ve been clinging to these beliefs, the harder it is to give them up.
That’s part of why I love what I do and why I love teaching at the Super Conference and meeting the guys – because I’m surrounded by people who have the courage to take the red pill and make the best of their lives. That’s really inspiring.
Now, if you friends are willing, show them how it’s done instead of lecturing them.
The game is learned “in the field.” Reality trumps theory.
Once your friends get a sense of the general rhythm of a solid pickup, only then let them borrow your copy of Magic Bullets and the Love Systems Routines Manual (Volume 1 might be better than Volume 2 for new guys; other way around for more advanced guys). Or the interviews on Approaching and on Approach Anxiety if that’s an issue. But, don’t flood them with too much theory up front or they can get lost.
Remember, every man needs to learn at his own pace. And, it can be tough for your friends to take advice from the guy who was at the same level until a few months ago.
A. It’s been years since I saw a young, hot, flight attendant outside of a couple of Asian airlines. It’s not the glamour job it once was.
But, if you’ve found a diamond in the rough, here are a few things to consider:
It’s a lot like picking up Strippers and “Hired Guns” - waitresses, hostesses, dancers, etc... women who were hired for their looks. (Braddock and The Don are doing a special one-day seminar on this.)
The first thing you have to do is use the time when she approaches you (part of her job) to very quickly develop a small amount of attraction, and then make plans to improve your logistics.
“Logistics” in the Love Systems Triad Model is mostly about “where you are and you are with.” On the plane, she’s working and is being observed by fellow attendants and passengers. These are terrible logistics, especially compared with meeting up for a drink at her hotel.
So, don’t work too hard to develop a deep emotional connection – it will likely come off as awkward in that situation and isn’t necessary. Get attraction and improve the logistics.
Even worse, don’t go beyond light “social touch” in terms of physical progression (aka “kino”) until you’ve improved the logistics.
To create attraction in this situation, remember that you’re probably only talking to her in one-minute chunks. So, use short, sharp routines to tease her or make her laugh. Stay away from heavy “cold reads” in this kind of situation.
If thinking of picking up women in terms of Emotional Progression, Physical Progression, and Logistics isn’t 100% familiar to you, you definitely need the Love Systems Triad model. You can read it in an hour, and it’s free.
Q. I’ve already listened to all of the interviews up to the one on older men dating younger women (I even voted for it on the “top interview series list.”) The three bulk packs are great; I wish I’d found them earlier. At the end of the interview, you said a lot of the same techniques for older men picking up younger women can be used for inter-cultural or inter-racial relationships too. I don’t really understand this...
Here’s the bridge. One of the important things about dating a younger woman is not trying to compete on her territory, but rather to compete on yours. The same thing goes for cross-cultural relationships (if the cultural gap is a big deal; otherwise just ignore).
For example – if you’re 40 and dating a 23 year old, don’t try to be 23 yourself. Don’t ask yourself whether you are young and cool enough for her. If she wanted a young guy, she could have the real thing, not a 40 year old who is pretending.
Instead, flip the script. Instead of wondering whether you are young and cool enough for her, wonder whether she is mature and sophisticated enough for you.
Obviously, that’s only one small part of being successful with younger women, but it’s enough for us to get to the bridge.
When I was living in South Africa, one of my (Canadian) coworkers was mildly obsessive about A) South African women and B) acting like a South African male.
He ate, drank, and slept South African (in this case Afrikaner) culture, I think in part to impress the women. He was so cool because he played rugby, was up to date on Afrikaner popular culture, and adopted a lot of the local attitudes...
... which made him a pale imitation of what had always been easily available to South African women their whole lives. Even my pre-Love Systems self had more success, and that’s saying a lot.
Obviously, in a cross-cultural relationship, show respect for and interest in your partner’s background, but be the man. Be proud of who you are and where you come from, and don’t abandon that to please a woman. It’s not only a bit pathetic, but also counter-productive.
By the way, we have four bulk packs now, not three – we just put interviews 31-40 (9 and 10 Game, Role Plays, Logistics: Taking Her Home, Female Psychology, Humor, Love Systems in Everyday Life, Issues in Qualification, Handling Tests, Dating Younger Women, and Turning Things Sexual) into bulk pack four.