Feel Nervous About Approaching Women?

March 8, 2011

In this issue…

  • Does Love Systems work when you’re in a relationship?
  • How do I cure my Approach Anxiety?
  • What’s up with that new book coming out, Myths and Masters of The Game?
  • Help! How do I stop her male friends from flirting/being inappropriate with her?
  • Social Proof is amazing, but will it always work in the future?
  • Married by Love Systems


Here’s one thing that frustrates SO many guys…

…when they are getting better with women, but there’s that ONE ANNOYING THING that is holding them back. One of our former bootcamp clients said it was like being trained to be an Olympic athlete but having a pebble in your shoe…

I totally agree.

I’ve been there myself. I wasn’t born to be Don Juan or Casanova; I had to learn all this stuff on my own. Back then there was no Interview Series or Daytime Dating (Day Game) Guide, let alone stuff like this LSi newsletter. It took a lot longer than it needed to, because there was no one to ask.

So, once we became Love Systems and started teaching bootcamps, I always made sure that there was plenty of time in the course agenda for questions and 1-1 discussion with instructors. Sometimes it can be the tiniest, easiest thing holding you back. And once in a while, it’s fun to turn this Love Systems insider (LSi) over to you, the readers and just answer questions. What’s on your mind today?

Q #1: Hi Savoy, I’ve been reading your newsletter since my divorce last year and I can’t thank you enough for what you and Love Systems have done for me. After some rough patches, I’m now dating someone who is ten times the woman my ex-wife was and I just feel so ALIVE today. My issue now is I don’t want to ruin this. Does the game change once you are already dating someone? I heard that you should be more down to earth in a relationship but I don’t want to lose her or stop doing what is working.

- Patrick. B., Denver, CO

A #1: Hi Patrick,

Yes…and no.

A lot of Love Systems techniques are based around taking a woman who does not know you or is not attracted to you, and 1) making her attracted to you (“Attraction”) and 2) helping her ACT on that attraction (“Qualification” and “Comfort”).

When you first meet a woman, you’ve got a few minutes to get her attracted to you. You should go in hard, with guns blazing. You’ll tease her, tell her interesting stories, role-play, build intrigue, show her social proof, and so on.

This is NOT how it works on dates, in Social Circle game, or, least of all, in a relationship. The timing and pacing is different. Acting like you just met her in a nightclub when you’ve been going out for 3 months will seem as weird as your friend suggesting a beer at 9am. The concept is fine; the context is not.

On the other hand, a lot of guys totally “revert” in a relationship. This often happens when a guy takes a bootcamp, suddenly gets the interests of more desirable women than had ever been into him before, and then gets into a relationship too quickly. He’s still got a lot of the old mindsets and beliefs, and it’s easy to revert back into them.

In other words, your behaviors should change, but the person she was attracted to should not. So if she loved the adventurous side of you, don’t become a couch potato. If she liked that you kept her on her toes, maintain boundaries. If she liked that you had a tough exterior but can be sweet underneath…let her see the sweet guy underneath sometimes, since she’s earned it now, but not ALL the time, etc.

Put another way (I often explain the same thing from 2-3 different angles, since everyone learns differently), when you first meet a girl you are trying to use a lot of shortcuts so she knows you have qualities A, B, C, etc. In a relationship, you are spending enough time together that you can actually show her qualities A, B, C, as opposed to implying them with your words.

Take care,

Nick Savoy


Q #2: Nick I hope you can help me. I watched Beyond Words [the DVD home study course all about Body Language featuring Cajun, Vercetti, Keychain, and 5.0] at a friend’s house and I’m hooked. It makes SO much sense it’s like seeing a movie of my life with a narrator explaining all the stuff that should have been obvious at the time but wasn’t. It ALL makes sense now, but don’t laugh, I have a hard time getting up the courage to talk to women I don’t know. I really want to use all this stuff, how do I stop sabotaging myself?

- Thomas C, Palo Alto, CA


A #2: Hi Thomas,

A lot of approach anxiety comes from fear of failure. I remember when I had a lot of approach anxiety and that was because I knew that:

  1. Almost every cold approach I’d done in my life did not work.
  2. I had no reason to believe this approach was going to be any better.
  3. Even on rare occasions when a cold approach did lead to a conversation, it very rarely went anywhere.
  4. I had no reason to believe that, even if this approach did work, that the end result was going to be any better.


Put those four things together, and it’s really easy for your brain to be like “Uh…Thomas? This is stupid. Go have another beer, she’s probably a bitch anyway.”

Now, #1 and #3 are in the past. There is nothing you or I can do about them. #2 and #4 are saying that what happened in the past will happen in the future. And that’s where we can make a change.

The single biggest thing you can do to cure your approach anxiety is to go out with other guys who know what they are doing. Not a “natural” because those guys will never be able to explain what is going on, but someone who uses the same system that you can use.

This is one of the reasons why approach anxiety gets solved so quickly at a bootcamp (and why we don’t need to devote much time to it). Take 6 guys, all learning the same system. Put them in a bar. Someone approaches, using Love Systems, gets a phone number or makeout. The other 5 guys realize there’s nothing special about guy #6; he’s just using Love Systems. So they do the same thing. Approaching women becomes FUN and something they want to do, since now it often leads to good things.

If you’re not planning on attending a bootcamp soon, then find a local wingman in our local wingman directory:

http://www.theattractionforums.com/meetups-wings-venues

Ideally it’s a wingman who is familiar with the basic pick up approach from the Magic Bullets Handbook or who has attended a bootcamp himself.

Hope this helps!

-Nick Savoy


Q #3: I was really interested in this week’s LSi when you talked about the new book that is coming out on the seduction community. I loved The Game so this has me waiting on pins and needles. Can you tell me more about it?

- Dave P (sent via Facebook)


A #3: It’s not our book, so most of what I know is just what I’ve heard. It’s by a pretty serious journalist called Adam Brown. It’s called Myths and Masters of The Game, and they’ve got some kind of website up for it at http://www.MythsAndMasters.com with more details.

Supposedly, Adam Brown had a lot of sources from within the community. I was not interviewed for the book. Beyond that – there are lots of rumors and I’ve given up trying to follow them all.

Take care,

-NS


Q #4: I hope you can help me. I met someone who I really like and we’ve been out on a few dates. She seems very sweet and tells me she is really looking forward to every date, but she is friends with tons of guys on Facebook and some of the comments they leave on her wall makes me uncomfortable. Should I confront her?

A #4: The answer to this question is the same as the answer to the question “is she your girlfriend?” If she is, sure, bring up that you feel uncomfortable. Focus on your feelings, not her behavior. Realize also that women like to flirt. It doesn’t mean she is cheating or planning to cheat. (She might be, but being flirty doesn’t signify anything one way or another.)

If she’s not your girlfriend, keep your mouth shut.

IN GENERAL, it shows confidence in yourself and understanding of her to not be jealous or react to other men flirting with someone you’re interested in. This is ESPECIALLY true if she’s not doing much to make it happen. I’ve dated a lot of beautiful women in my life, and one thing they all HATE is when jealous guys get mad at them for things that are mostly out of their control, like other guys approaching her, staring at her, hitting on her, etc.

Now…it gets a little tricky, because many women DO appreciate 1) a guy who sets and enforces (reasonable) boundaries, and 2) a guy who can protect her from the attentions of other men when those are unwanted.

I remember being at a party where I was playfully talking to and flirting with a little cutie. She was being a bit of a brat so I started teasing her and telling her she needed a spanking. She said “oh yes, please” so I seized the moment and led her by the hand out to where there was a bit more privacy. Well, wouldn’t you know it, she had a boyfriend and he was outside.

Did he do anything? No. I just overhead him saying “I hate it when she does this” to someone when his girlfriend was over my knee with her skirt up, getting spanked.

That’s all that happened with her – I didn’t know if the boyfriend was someone my friend (the host of the party) knew, and there are plenty of fish in the sea, not usually worth the drama. But that scene just stuck with me, because it shows exactly what NOT to do. Even if he’d laughed and said, “Have fun dude” he’d have been in a better position than just being sulky and impotent.

Whatever your boundaries are, set them and stick to them. It’s better not to have the boundary than it is to impotently sit there and complain that she is running over it.

Take care,

Nick Savoy


Q #5: I just got your new interview on Social Proof and I have a question. The stuff is great, I used some of the ways Farmer and 5.0 talk about making it LOOK like other women are all over you (even if they’re not!) and I have to tell you I’m shocked, but it worked. I made out with two hot girls last night and normally I’m lucky to even get a phone number. One of them has been texting me like mad! But I’m wondering if once these techniques are out there, won’t women recognize them and then they won’t be any good any more? P.S. Why don’t you ever talk about your new interviews every month? They are awesome and I’m sure they would help a lot of people. Every other list I’m on spams the hell out of everything they do.

A #5: Love that you’re having success. That’s awesome. Answers to your Qs:

- Social Proof will always work. There isn’t a woman in the world who would ever say “Oh, other women seem interested in you. It must be a trick.” For one thing, attraction is an emotional process, not a logical one; women don’t tend to think like this. For another thing, there’s no way to tell the difference between a guy who is using social proof and a guy who actually does have women interested in him all the time.

We actually live all this stuff ourselves, so we’re not going to use anything that doesn’t work.

- We don’t really talk about the new interview every month because so many guys are subscribers to the interview series anyway, it would be redundant for them. But I can try to put a short note each month to at least let people know. Thanks for the feedback!

Take Care,

Nick Savoy


And we’ll finish off with a good old-fashioned public letter to my Facebook page.

Hi Nick,

I thought I send you a quick message after the ABC controversy.

I am now a very happily married man and I have bagged my wife, who I believe to be my soul mate, about 5 years ago using exactly the techniques of Love Systems. Are we happy now? Yes. Are we in love? Yes. Can I talk to her about absolutely anything and be myself? Yes. But were all of the above true on our first couple of dates? NO, ABSOLUTELY not.

The initial courtship process and the initial meeting/introduction process is the most awkward and useless phase of any relationship. Especially with the time pressures of modern careers, women and men tend to prejudge based on a very tiny sample of information. For those who are trained in statistics, one can say that people repeatedly suffer from small sample bias in their inference about other people. Is that bad? Who knows, it is the fact of life, we all do it, we all prejudge based on very limited information.

Love Systems, from the sometimes silly routines to some of the logistical advice, allowed me to survive the initial couple of month of our relationship until my girlfriend began to know the real me. She liked my real me and we are now married, she could have also hated the real me, however she would have not ever had the opportunity to get to know the real me if it was not for Love Systems.

People, especially women, who keep on saying that you have to just be yourself, are ignorant about the essence of basic human psychology. Attention spans are so short these days, that unless you , while “being” yourself, do something amazing (or are Tom Cruise/Jared Leto/Brad Pitt, etc.) in the first few minutes the woman will be rolling her eyes and asking her “drag away girlfriend” to drag her away. And any woman who denies this fact is either a liar or an idiot.

I still subscribe to Love Systems newsletters solely for the fact that now I am utilizing the techniques in my business relationships. Not much really changes if you are trying to make a quick impression on a beautiful woman at the bar or a new boss or colleague.

If Love Systems is evil so is public speaking training and so is the entire marketing community.

But all that hate mail means one thing. You and the pickup community can sleep in peace. The world is so full of closed-minded ignorant people that Love Systems is not going to become main-stream any time soon, which is great because people like you and I will be smooth talking our way to the top for decades to come.

Thank you for all your hard work and excellent advice!

Cheers,

V.S.

That’s it for the Q&A today folks. Remember, you can get expert advice instantly from Love Systems instructors about your and your situation by booking a phone consultationemail Jeremy, our program manager, for details.

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