Lovesystems Instructor Blog

One of the corner stones of building comfort and rapport with anyone is having commonalities. Regardless of race, sex, or age we naturally try to build commonalities when we are engaging someone in conversation, but I’ve noticed no one really explained why we do it. We generally know that if two people have something in common, they get along better. I knew that since I was a kid. Nothing new there, but that doesn’t really answer the question of “why do people get along better when they have something in common?”

It wasn’t until recently when I was taking a shower that it hit me why commonalities are important. The real force behind commonalities is that when you see someone else have something you also have in common, it reinforces the beliefs and decisions you’ve made are good.

I repeat: Commonalities reinforce the beliefs and decisions you’ve made are good.

Just think about it. If you are an activist for green energy and you meet someone who is also into that, you will feel (subconsciously) that you have made the right decision to be a green energy activist, because you see someone is what you are. It’s very validating to see that, especially if the belief, lifestyle, or occupation, etc, is a big part of your life. The bigger the role it plays in your life, the more validating it is when you meet someone who shares that aspect of your life.

When I was in London, fellow Love Systems instructor sheriff and I were talking about women and our preferences. One thing that struck me was when he said (paraphrased): “When I meet a girl who is a third culture kid, it is game over. I’m all over her.” Not so surprisingly, sheriff is a third culture kid himself (someone brought up in one or many environments that weren’t their own culture). Compare that to meeting a girl that is from the same city you are from. It’s not as validating, right?

My point is, when it is a big commonality it’s very validating to see someone else who shares that with you. You instantly connect with that person because you know there are so many things you guys have in share; same beliefs, same decisions, similar life experiences, and so on. You can make someone feel this validation too by trying to find (impactful) commonalities. The easiest way is by playing the “question game”. Just make sure you fire off the right questions, which Braddock has a huge list of questions for the question game.

You can dig for commonalities for building comfort and rapport with girls you want to date, but you can do it the wrong way too by either getting into “interview mode” (asking many questions back-to-back when it’s not part of the question game) or getting in the friend zone (having too much rapport with no escalation). The former is what I see a lot. You see it back with guys who aren’t aware of Love Systems and try to pickup women. Right off the bat of the conversation they will try to dig deep with the girl to see if he has any commonalities.

“Where are you from?”
“What do you do?
“What’s your favorite movie/tv show/color/X?”
And so on…..

As soon as the girl answers his question, the guy will try to see if he and she have something in common. If they do, then the guy bought himself a couple more seconds. If not, he will usually fire off another question to find commonalities.

In a lot of cases if the guy and the girl have something remotely in common, the guy will throw it out there but most of the time it won’t score points.

Guy: “Where are you from?”
Girl: “I’m from Santa Monica”
Guy: “No way….I have a friend who lives there.”

WHO CARES YOU HAVE A FRIEND WHO LIVES THERE TOO?

I see this type of dialogue week in, week out. In most cases this type of dialogue will bore girls. One thing Future always says is that boredom is one of the kryptonites for attraction. To avoid the typical interview mode try to mix statements with questions. Every question can be restated as an statement. Instead of asking “where are you from?” you can say “You look like you’re from the Mid-west, because you’re so friendly.” Whether I’m right or wrong, she will let me know where she’s from. This is what we call a cold-read. If I’m right, I seem intuitive and I’m “in.” If I’m wrong, she will let me know where she is from. Win-win.

Trying to build (too many) commonalities before the girl is attracted is a fast ticket to boredom and friend-zone planet. That’s why within the Love Systems Triad Model, in the emotional progression you see that attraction comes before comfort. That’s also why I advocate using the question game mid-way in the conversation when you know the girl is attracted to you.

Before you start building commonalities with a girl, she should be first attracted to you. If she is not attracted to you, most of the time she will not want to invest in the conversation. Especially not building commonalities, that should be saved for later on. If want to know how to build attraction with women (and how to get started with dating more beautiful women), I highly suggest you pick up a copy of Magic Bullets.

The Real Force Behind Building Commonalities is a post from Thanh Bonsai - Asian Dating Coach

Bonsai Dating Advice, Posts

As you can imagine, I get a lot of emailed questions asking for dating advice. Most I don't have time to answer. (My apologies; it's just not possible in a world where I get 30-40 of these per day). I recommend The Attraction Forums (free) or a Phone Consultation with an expert Love Systems instructor in these cases.

Once in a while, a question has an obvious answer. If it's one that has been addressed thoroughly (and I remember where it is), then sometimes I reply with a link.

And of my most common "links" is to the classic "Kill Beatrice" article. Not even an article, really, more of a manifesto. Written by the guy who was voted the #1 dating coach in the world in 2009: Future. And when I do, about 95% of the time I get an email back thanking me and telling me how much that, er, manifesto, inspired them. So if you missed it the first time around, here it is:

Kill Beatrice

Savoy Future, Kill Beatrice, Posts

Michael Beale, an NLP expert, recently interviewed me about my new book, Daytime Dating.

I talk a lot about why I got into Day Game in the first place and also what Daytime Dating covers. Check it out

Jeremy Soul

Jeremy Soul Dating Tips, Daytime Dating, Direct Game, Posts, day game

I just got back from a trip to London to celebrate Jeremy Soul’s birthday. As I’m blogging about this fun trip, I’m still recovering from the weekend. As Jeremy would say, “I’m getting old man…” says the guy who just turned 27.

So friday morning I woke up at 6am, got some breakfast and headed out to catch the train to the airport. The public transport system is really good in The Netherlands (currently where I’m vacationing), something that is non-existent in Los Angeles. Once I arrived in London, Jeremy picked me up from the train station. I stayed at his place for two nights. A couple hours after my arrival we would head to central London and grab some beers with Farmer It was my first time meeting Farmer and he is a really cool guy. Over some British beers we catched up on things and we did some daytime dating too.

Now London is generally not known for having a lot of beautiful women. After living in Los Angeles and numerous Las Vegas trips, my standards for beauty is set pretty high. Any other city I’ll be visiting really has to compete, although I still want to see Miami, Stockholm, Oslo, and Moscow before I make a final judgment which city has the most beautiful women. One thing I do know is that London will not be in top 10. Every city has its 1% women, but in London they were VERY rare.

When I was at the Spearmint Rhino in London a couple hours later (with Farmer & Mr M), I gave London another shot. They had some beautiful women there. It was my first time at a strip club in the UK, so I was curious how my Love Systems skills, especially stripper game, would be different. Turns out, it’s not that much different. I just did my thing like I normally do and met this half swedish/latvian girl with ease. So all my posts on stripper game are now officially UK approved too!

One thing I forgot to mention was that I finally got Soul to get into stripper game. I also got Farmer into it after we went to Spearmint Rhino. They both love it now. So I know already what’s going to happen at the Las Vegas Super Conference after hours….

.

The next day I met up with Jeremy, 5.0, sheriff, and Farmer to have some coffee and tea. Damn British people. They really do drink too much coffee and tea. We talked some shit on each other, had deep philosophical debates, and exchanged some next level Love Systems material you can’t even get the upcoming Super Conference (video here) or the Advanced Playboy Mansion bootcamp.

We bounced to a restaurant to meet up with Mr M and his roommate (or “flat mate” as the British say). We shared some Thai food and talked a lot about some social circle game and business stuff. We later went to a big club in London and because we were so bored of talking to girls in old fashion, we decided to spice it up by doing Keys To The VIP alike missions. It was hilarious, from saying the stupidest lines we gave each other to getting possessions from girls within 10 seconds.

It was great seeing the London based instructors. Normally I only see them when they come to the Super Conference, but it was great to see them in their own city. I’ll be back there again for another round of fun (and debauchery).

My Trip To London is a post from Thanh Bonsai - Asian Dating Coach

Related posts:

1. Los Angeles Bootcamp with Future

Bonsai Blog Posts, Posts

I'm almost done with off-topic funny videos...though this one is kind of on-topic...

Savoy Posts

If you said yes… then email me atDubbsy@lovesystems.com and I’ll answer your question in detail in a video. So go to my new page ASK DUBBSY right up there on the top right of this page.

holla back youngins!

Dubbsy My Life..., Posts

Credit The Onion for this...

Savoy Off-topic, Posts

I was really tempted to just include the part from 0:10 to 0:25 and title it something like "Man sees this week's LSi has arrived in his inbox" or "Man finds Love Systems website for the first time". But the whole video is too good; I had to include it all:

Savoy Off-topic, Posts

All the proof is in the video below.

Ross Jeffries Lost His Mind is a post from Thanh Bonsai - Asian Dating Coach

Bonsai Blog Posts, Posts

Most criticism of the dating habits and lifestyle of single men is drivel. (e.g., this, and this) But the article Child-Man in the Promised Land is actually intelligent, well-written, and occasionally insightful. Which is what makes it all the more worthy of a response.

[Now, Love Systems is not in any way a "men's movement" but many of the same people who are unhappy about single men today are also upset with Love Systems. Not that long ago, I did a radio interview on how to turn friends into friends with benefits, which really upset one of the commentators. She said that sharing Love Systems knowledge was just going to make it harder for people to get into committed relationships.]

These criticisms fail the "so what?" test.

The man-child article does a great job of showing the changes to how young men live today vs 50 years ago. Today they get married later. They have more sexual partners. They have more freedom. They do things that many young men like to do, like watch sports, play games, meet women, and drink. Many don't slave away at jobs they hate, at least until later in life, because they don't need all of the money they otherwise would to pay the mortgage on a family-sized house and so on. Sometimes, they burp and fart and leave pizza boxes everywhere.

[But, so what? Why is this bad, or any different from a rant about how some young women are gossipy, manipulative, vain, and obsessed with pointless activities like fashion or celebrity trivia? What elevates this to a societal problem? There's a very telling passage in the article that shows the authors limitations and biases here -- she makes the point that young men are regressing by comparing their juvenile hobbies (beer and video games) with the more "adult" interests of young women ("shopping" and "dining out with friends"). Is shopping really better than video games? Is eating and drinking wine with friends at a restaurant really better than eating and drinking beer with friends at home? I don't know, and it's unfortunate the question never seemed to even occur to the author before she drew conclusions from it.]

I could go on and on through the article, but let's cut to the chase. Here's what's actually going on:

Society has changed. Women have more power over their own life, and there is less pressure to conform to expectations from family, religion, society at large, etc. So now with more choice on how to life their lives, many women are deciding to do something with their lives other than be the traditional housewife of 50 years ago. It sucks to be a guy today who wants the housewife of 50 years ago, since there are less of them, but people have more choice on how to live their lives now, and that's a good thing.

Many women fought hard for this. Some would even call it "feminism".

But guess what? Men also have more power over their own life, and there is less pressure to conform to expectations from family, religion, society at large, etc. So now with more choice on how to life their lives, many men are deciding to do something with their lives other than be the traditional husband of 50 years ago. It sucks to be a women today who wants the husband of 50 years ago, since there are less of them, but people have more choice on how to live their lives now, and that's a good thing.

And many women hate this.(*)

-NS

(*) Yes, yes, many men have poured scorn on women's desire for autonomy and what they've done with that autonomy for years. Being on the other end of a little bit of hypocrisy isn't really all that bad...as long as it stays firmly in the "hypocrisy" bucket and doesn't jump into the box marked "conventional wisdom"

Savoy Posts, editorials